Dear Diary
by Zia Lupin
Summary: Remus's diary from the start of POA-(SLASHIE-PHASHIE!! and look at chap.6for new Disclaimer!!) NEW CHAPTER!
1. Default Chapter

Dear Diary,  
  
Ah yes, another summer day in London.  
  
How I longed for these moments each night. Where no orb of silver light could touch me. I could be safe. Safe....and those around me would be safe from me.  
  
I walked through the streets, gazing around at the buildings I knew from my childhood trips into the large metropolis, later coming into the magical village of Diagon Alley. I always enjoyed the latter more. The humble cobblestones leading up to every shop that brought me the most extreme enjoyment. Walking into Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor first, my aunt (The only non-muggle in the family who cared to come near me. I lived with her when I turned 10) giving me a couple sickles to get myself a cone of vanilla with rainbow sprinkles. That was always a pick-me-up. Striding jubily into Flourish and Blotts to purchase a little tome for myself, allowing reality to disappear into the realm of my imagination. My good friend, the written word. Also buying a couple textbooks for school, often using hand-me-downs from Aunt Carol.  
  
Buying my robes....getting a broom for my 15th birthday...Oh, I'm sorry, I was skipping quite far ahead of myself, wasn't I? Back to the present. You're probably wondering why I am keeping a diary? Simple, really....I will tell you right now that I am...a werewolf...  
  
And I think that's all I want to say on this, lest I blacken this poor page with my depression. You see, the transformation is always MUCH worse when you have feelings in you that aren't exactly...happy. You tend to take out your anger on more things, causing more destruction than usual. Dumbledore knew this, and he asked me if it'd make things easier to keep a diary. I thought about it and it seemed like a good idea to put all your depression, anger, and other thoughts into something that couldn't be hurt. Keep things safe, once again. I had done that until I was 12, and then I didn't need to any more....Now I might have to.  
  
My old friend...who USED to be very dear to me, committed a crime that in the Muggle's world would mean death. Sadly he got something worse...No, I can't say sadly any more. I cannot assume that he did the right thing. I cannot lie to myself. Sirius DID hand in James...And he killed all those people, including Peter...I cannot forgive him, no matter how much I want to. No matter how often my heart tells me it wasn't him....  
  
Well, he was found out...And put in Azkaban... A rather terrible place...Dementors dwell there, sucking out every bit of sanity you might have had before you entered into the stone prison. I can only try to imagine. Well...I suppose he wasn't quite effected, because he escaped...  
  
And I think he's after Harry Potter....Maybe I can help? Maybe Dumbledore will accept me back into Hogwarts, this time not as a student, but a teacher?  
  
I'll see...  
  
Remus J. Lupin  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I got the job! I didn't even have to give him a whole resume or ANYTHING! I am now a Defense Against Dark Arts professor. I can keep myself away from them the same way I had before, I think. Or prehaps, if I get lucky enough, the Potions professor might help me with my....abnormality. I wonder who he/she is? I have to make somewhat of a good impression my first day back. I cannot wait to be there, back in tose lusterous halls with it's enchanted pictures and bewitched statues....I hope I remember the secret passage into the Womping Willow...Did Filch ever destroy the Marauder's Map?  
  
I guess I'll see... Remus J. Lupin  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Well! I have survived the day's trip into Hogwarts! Let me give you the details...just for fun  
  
After getting all my supplies together at the hotel I went to King's Cross and crossed the barrier onto Platform 9 3/4. I...ran into the wall a couple times...but I made it through anyway. It's hard to do it after so long, you know. I must have looked rather mentally ill...  
  
I came into an abandoned compartment, thank God. I hadn't slept all night. I suppose I was er--excited. Anyway, I walked in, threw myself on the red cushioned seat, leaned my head to the window, and fell asleep. I heard feet shuffling into the compartment, I paid it no mind. Voices heard talking, a mention of "R.J.Lupin"...who was that? Oh....that was me. They probably spotted my briefcase. No matter. A loud whistle. A very piercing whistle. Oh...it's gone now...The sound of paws jumping around the compartment? Padfoot?...no, stop, Remus. He's not going to come, he will be captured... A familiar squeal of fright. ...A rodent of some sort, I should think. So, something with paws, most likely a cat, chasing a rodent, with what I should imagine to be a Sneakoscope in the room that---2 people inhabited? No...3? There were 2 boys and one girl. No, I heard another voice. That which reminded me a lot of Lucius Malfoy. Three people arguing. Oh yes, the school year has started off rather strangely. I suppose I made some sort of noise, because within seconds they had become silent.  
  
Unusual silence. A silence I do not wish to remember. I seemed to have gone back to my memories, my horrific thoughts of the terror I might have caused....Terror I did cause. The Shrieking Shack...Clawing at the furniture, mutilating myself to keep from destroying others... It wasn't happening now, was it? The moon couldn't have come so early? Why had the train stopped? I was still in the compartment, right? I was imagining this...It's not real, Remus. Wake up...wake up!  
  
I looked around only to see...darkness. I suppose I told them to be quiet and illuminated the room to see what was going on, I was still a bit drowsy. The door slid open to reveal...A Dementor? What was a---oh, yes. One of the new guards of Hogwarts---Oh, no.  
  
It struck me that it wasn't a good thing to have a dementor around, especially if the Dementor is looking for Sirius. Bad sign. I was about to sit down but I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself. I found myself summoning a Patronus, almost against my will. Why didn't I just let him look for Sirius? Why won't I allow myself to JUST LET HIM GO!?...  
  
Because after the Dementor left I saw the other inhabitants of the compartment I was in.  
  
A red haired boy, most likely a Weasley, with what appeared to be his sister. A round-faced and shocked boy who was looking around him, stunned. A girl with bushy brown hair, pale as the others. Someone on the ground, his glasses askew and----James?  
  
No...Not James....His son? Harry! Oh, gods, I better go get some chocolate.  
  
I walked to my briefcase and opened it, getting some chocolate as the others talked nervously about the creature that walked in. I broke the chocolate and gave some to them, walking up to the driver.  
  
"Um--Excuse me, bu--"  
  
"Eh? Wha? Oh, yeah, what?" The driver turned around and looked at me disgustedly. Pretty ironic, seeing how he--Sorry, sorry, I'll continue. Anyhow, he put down his cigar and hiked up his sagging suspendered trousers, continuing to glare me up and down.  
  
"Sorry, sir, but I was just asking--"  
  
"Ah yeah, Yer gonna ask abit dem Dementers, ain'cha? You prefessers are alwas askin' so mnny quessins. Yer Prefesser Loopy, aren'cha?"  
  
"Well, sir--"He continued to look at me, making me rather uncomfortable. I just cleared my throat and tried to keep a polite manner. "Sir, I was going to ask you if you knew how many compartments the--"  
  
"Egh, I knew you'd ask abit dem. If I wisn' up 'ere drivin', I'm shore I culd help yeh," he replied, coldly and hoarsely.  
  
I just smiled at the look on his face as he turned around and itched his wife-beater shirt with a grimy, gnarled hand. I turned around, knowing I couldn't get any information about the Dementors, why they were there, and if any other compartment was effected. I nodded and walked out as quietly as I could, mumbling a small "Thank you."  
  
"We reech 'Ogwertz in ten minnets!" He shouted at me, I nodded, again, and repeated my gratitude.  
  
Coming back into the room, looking rather exasperated and annoyed, I found all the small eyes of the childern on me. I smiled meekly and saw they hadn't touched the chocolate.  
  
"I haven't poisoned that chocolate, you know...."  
  
Well, I had better go. We reach " 'Ogwertz in ten minnets!". Heh, be sure to write the remainder of the day down later.  
  
Remus J. Lupin, aka Prefesser Loopy 


	2. Dear Severus? HERE?

Dear Diary...  
  
Oh dear lord...  
  
This turned out much differently than expected.  
  
Let me begin... I stepped off the train and onto the carrige. While inside I wrote a letter to Professor McGonagall, hoping she'd get it in time.  
  
"Dear Professor McGonagall,  
  
I hope this letter reaches you before the mass of students come filing in. Apparently some Dementors came aboard the train, and Harry Potter along with some other students I didn't catch the name of were taken ill.  
  
See you at the feast!! Sincerely, Remus J. Lupin"  
  
I think that worked. When I arrived I heard that little familiar voice again. Lucius wasn't a teacher, and far too old to be a student. I stepped out and saw a likeness of Lucius, apparently his son, who was taunting the two boys who were on the train with me.  
  
"Did you faint as well, Weasley?"--aha, so he was a Weasley--"Did the scary old dementor frighten you too, Weasley?"  
  
"Is there a problem?" I asked, the blonde boy's eyes immeadiately taking in the tattered robe I wore, my rather beat-up suitcase, and apparently...my whole self. I realised I didn't look quite professional at ALL....Ergh--I better get some new robes...  
  
"Oh, no---er--Professor." And with that he smirked and walked up the steps with his two cronies. I looked down and myself and grimaced. I really looked terrible. I walked towards the Staff Room, which I had only imagined (we were never quite allowed inside) and looked at the handle, smiling at it as my hand slowly reached for the golden knob. I turned it an opened the door, leading into a panelled room full of mismatching chairs, all of them filled but one, which i took to be mine. A soft purple chair. How'd they remember my favorite chair? I looked across the room and saw McGonagall. I walked up to her, smiling cheerfully as she stood up and smiled as well.  
  
"Got your letter, Remus. It's been taken care of."  
  
"Nice to see you again, Professor McGo--"  
  
"Remus, Remus, Remus, I'm not your teacher any more! Call me Minerva," she said, very warmly for her character. I smiled and nodded, shaking her hand.  
  
"Welcome back, Remus," said a kind voice behind me. Dumbledore!  
  
I turned around to look at him, grinning as I shook his hand, telling him how wonderful it was to be back. The joy and excitement of it all was almost overwhelming until I saw the Potions Master. I turned my head to see a familiar greasy black haired mop...A living mop that looked at me with the largest amount of detestation I can ever remember. The mop's mouth sneered at me as the mop stood up and reached for my hand to shake it. I could tell that it was on Dumbledore's orders that this living mop get near me. The mop's cold, sallow hands shook mine, sending a chill up my spine. He cocked his head and began to speak in a voice that I remember all too well.  
  
"Remus Lupin."  
  
" Severus. Nice to see you again."  
  
Ah yes, Severus, what a downer. That voice drilled into my skull, telling me this year would be quite different. Maybe I could persuade him to make me the Wolfsbane potion anyway? I suppose I'll have to see. Dumbledore placed a hand on my shoulder.  
  
"I must go ask the House Elves to help with the feast, I'll call you when we come in." Dumbledore left with McGonagall, leaving me alone in the room with the Mop--sorry, Severus.  
  
"So, Dumbledore really ran out of people to occupy the position, didn't he?" Snape asked, smirking at me with that face of hate, changing dramatically from his young face which I almost found attractive. ALMOST. He washed his hair, then. I just smiled back at him as kindly as I could, my anger slowly becoming apparent. I shook it back down.  
  
"I suppose he did, Severus. He seemed to have run out of people to occupy some other positions as well," I replied calmly, looking at him. I think he understood me, because his face turned even uglier. I kept smiling. "Say, do you think you could tell me where my office is?" He walked to his chair and grabbed a book, completely ignoring me. I put on my most pleased face. "Kill him with kindness and anecdotes that take him an hour to figure out, Remus. It worked before, and works better now." I sat down next to him, grabbing a book as well, waiting for the others to get back, just basking in his wonderful hate of me and my friends. I could almost hear his thoughts, his disgust for me. It was lovely.  
  
By the time we arrived at the staff table I could almost feel his eyes piercing my shirt and sticking daggers in my back. I realised that I had been rather cold to him. First time back and I said I wanted to make a good impression. I had darned robes, a scroungely look about me, and I looked rather ill. Time to do something good. I was busy considering my first lesson, what it should be on and how I should go about it when Dumbledore announced my name. I looked at him and then at the students, who clapped for me. I saw Harry, and his friends clapping for me harder than the others. I grinned, and laughed meekly.  
  
I later walked into Severus's office, knocking lightly on the door. A bitter voice came from it. "WHAT DO YOU WANT, DAMMIT!?" I raised my eyebrows and gulped. This wouldn't be easy, would it? I cleared my throat and said as softly as I could, trying to keep my voice loud enough to get through the door as well.  
  
"Severus? May I come in?" A sigh of exasperation and feet coming towards the door. I tried to make myself presentable as a hand turned the knob and the door opened. Severus half stomped back to his chair and dropped into it, half elegantly, half carelessly. He seemed to be half-everything. I walked in slowly and shut the door behind me. He gave me a considering look as he glared me up and down, just like the driver on the train. Except he wasn't fully disgusted with me. Was that a look of interest?  
  
I shook it off and tried to look apolegetic. He seemed to realize what I was about to say, because the surveying look he kept giving me melted from cold into luke-warm. I thought I'd never see this. "Severus? I am quite sorry for being---"  
  
"Think nothing of it."  
  
"Are you sure? Beca--"  
  
"It's fine. Listen, it's 10:00 and I don't think you even have your first lesson ready, do you." I shook my head, no. "Then you had better get to work on, it, correct?" I nodded. Why was it that I was being so silent to him? So submissive? He could have very well told me that he was going to kill me and rip out my intestines, then feed them to a small goat, and that the whole time I had to whistle "Yankee Doodle Dandy" and I would have very well done it. Times have changed...  
  
"Well, then good night, Remus."  
  
I nodded, smiling, walking out the door.  
  
Maybe the year was starting off better than I thought.  
  
Professor Remus J. Lupin!  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
My first lesson....Went well, I hope?  
  
I devised a lesson at last. However, once I had learned what I had to do to get a boggart I had been at least 5 minutes late. I sprinted to the room, slowing down when I reached the for the door so they wouldn't notice that I noticed that I was late. (is that correct?....I think so.) I entered and smiled, seeing how they were more prepared than I. Placing down my briefcase on the table I straightened up and spoke to them.  
  
"Good afternoon. Would you please put all your books back in your bags. Today's will be a practical lesson. You will need only your wands."  
  
The class seemed quite confused by that, but they did so rather happily, I should think. I smiled and lead the class to the staffroom, wherein lie a boggart in a wardrobe. I came to a stop when I saw James and Sirius's favorite ghost besides Nearly-Headless-Nick. Peeves the Poltergeist, who seemed to remember me as much as I remembered him. He was stuffing the broom closet's key-hole with gum....How did he get gum? Peeves turned around, at first curiously, then with a evil smile he wiggled his toes and started singing a song I remember quite well.  
  
"Loony, loopy Lupin! Loony, loopy Lupin, loony, loopy Lupin--"  
  
I just smiled and laughed a little. I told him that he should take the gum out, and that if he didn't, Mr.Filch wouldn't be able to get into his brooms. Mr.Filch--once I remembered--actually didn't stop him at all. It seemed to make him even livelier. And he showed it. Er--anyhow, just a simple Waddiwasi and with a bout of swearing and a POOF-- he was gone. Earning a "Cool, sir!" from Dean was very gratifying. We walked past the crime scene and into the staffroom. I opened the door and spotted Severus. I stopped and held my breath, then made to close the door but Snape stood up, walking towards me with a disgusted look on his face; I saw his eyes fall on Neville Longbottom. I frowned and looked at him.  
  
"Leave it open, Lupin. I'd rather not witness this." He smirked at me and turned around when he reached the door, speaking to me as if it was some sort of secret that he was meant to keep, but chose not to. "Possible no one's warned you, Lupin, but this class contains Neville Longbottom. I would advise you not to entrust him with anything difficult. Not unless Miss Granger is hissing instructions in his ear."  
  
I raised my eyebrows, taking a quick glance at Neville, who had gone red, looking down and shuffling his feet. He looked like Peter, I wouldn't let Severus do that to 2 Wormtails.  
  
"I was hoping that Neville would assist me with the first stage of the operation, and I am sure he'll preform it admirably." Severus sneered and left, almost slamming the door. The lesson had begun with a bang, I suppose.  
  
I asked questions, Hermione and Harry answered them quite well. Then we let Neville have a clear shot with the boggart, his being Snape. Luckily we got some fun out of it before he would have become depressed. We gave Snape the outfit of Neville's grandmother, a long, green dress, a vulture topped hat and a big a red handbag. All of us laughed when we saw him, that should have been enough to kill the boggart, but they all got a chance. Once we had gotten to the close end I saw Harry. I assumed he'd be afraid of Voldemort. I wasn't too sure that having Lord Voldemort materialize in the staffroom would be a good idea, so I stepped in front of him before he got a chance. Producing my own boggart I quickly tried to deminish it, calling Neville forwards once more to finish him off. The boggart burst, and I assigned the points out. The lesson had gone incredibly well!!! They walked out, talking excitedly amongst themselves.  
  
This'll be GREAT!!!! :)  
  
Remus 


	3. Snape or Black?

Author's note:... WOW! I made 3 chapters! WOO HOO! And people actually review it! I am so happy! Thanks, guys! Oh, and by the way, I am so sorry--this sounds very self-absorbed of me to say this, but in POA they didn't have George and Fred tell Harry about Lupin...That was book 4 where they talked about Mad- Eye Moody. Sorry! I just wanted to get that straightened out, because I know Harry's wasn't his first class, they have theirs in the afternoon and he probably taught before then, but still---I thought it'd sound good.  
  
Okay!  
  
This next chapter has slash, so if you are against that--run. Run far from here.  
  
  
  
  
  
Dear Diary...  
  
Yes, it has been a while since I have written...but only a week!! Heh, I've been somewhat busy...  
  
Severus has warmed up a bit, to the point where he will make the potion for me. I think that was Dumbledore's orders as well. I walked into his office about 2 days ago and was about to ask him about it, not knowing the outcome at all.  
  
"Severus?....Severus, may I enter?" I asked, knocking on his door. I heard shuffling and a THUD then a rather feeble--  
  
"Just a secooond!!" I laughed and stood at the door, waiting for him to pull it open and say--  
  
"Oh, it's you," he said, just as I expected. I smiled at this, and he raised an eyebrow. I quickly stopped smiling.  
  
"Severus, I have a request, you are totally well to not want to--"  
  
Severus smirked. "Wolfsbane potion. I know, Remus."  
  
"Are you alr--"  
  
"Perfectly fine. Now, if you don't mind--" he shoved me out of the doorway and shut the door.  
  
That went smoothly!  
  
Moony  
  
Dear Diary...  
  
Yes, I didn't write in a long time, I know, I know. Well! It's Halloween!  
  
I remember the old days....I sound like my grandfather....  
  
Anyhow, I had a nice little chat with Harry today.  
  
It went something like this:  
  
I was in my office, unpackaging my Grindylow. I sat down and looked at it, grinning, and then picked up a book. Upon turning the first page I heard a shout echoing through the halls. I leaned back and looked out the door, which stood ajar.  
  
"Nothing!! A likely story! Sneaking around on your own-why aren't you in Hogemeade bying Stink Pellats (A classic. We had so many uses for them) and Belch Powder (Sirius used to use this one on Severus. it always brought laughs.) and Whizzing Worms--(Ah yes, Wizzing Worms, a little firecracker James always bought that he would set off in the Girl's bathroom. How he never got caught I never knew.) like the rest of your nasty little friends?" a pause, most likely with an answer from the poor child being maimed by Flich. "Well, get back to your common room where you belong!"  
  
I chuckled softly to myself and waited for the blow to fall on the innocent (or not, if it was Fred or George Weasley) student. A black haired child with ragged clothes walked by my door and I got up to the door.  
  
"Harry?" The boy turned around, showing it was indeed Harry. I smiled. "What're you doing? Where are Ron and Hermione?'  
  
"Hogsmeade," he answered, looking a bit downtrodden. I started to wonder why and then quickly remembered--Sirius.  
  
"Ah...Well, why don't you come in? I've just taken delivery of a grindylow for our next lesson." I turned around gleefully at the mention of my grindylow and walked towards the corner with the tank.  
  
"A what?" he asked awkwardly. He came inside and spotted the green, horned creature with his long fingers on the glass. It grimaced and glided into the sea-ferns.  
  
"Water demon. We shouldn't have much difficulty with him, not after the kappas (Japanese water imps the size of a ten-year old with the face of a monkey, a long beak-like nose, a tortise shell covering its back, having webbed hands and feet.) The trick is to break his grip. You notice the abnormally long fingers? Strong, but very brittle." I grinned broadly and then turned around, looking for my kettle. "Cup of tea? I was just thinking of making one..."  
  
"All right..." Harry responded, still awkward.  
  
I asked him to sit down and told him I had only tea bags, hinting a bit towards the tea-leaf incident. He wasn't worried, apparently--which was good. Professor Trelawny, as I am told, predicts at least one false death each year, and thought it'd start a good rumor to have Harry Potter be the one to "die". That was surprising to me, but I remembered how nobody in Hogwarts was quite boring. We sipped our tea until I noticed he looked a bit...troubled. "Anything worrying you, Harry?"  
  
"No..." he drank some more tea and looked at the grindylow, who, as I saw, was brandishing a fist at him. I shook my head at the creature and he disappeared once more. Harry turned my attention from the tank with a TINK of the teacup being set down abruptly and an even more abrupt,"Yes. You kow that day we fought the boggart?"  
  
"Yeees," I said, slowly. I had hoped nothing went wrong with the lesson?  
  
"Why didn't you let me fight it!?" he said suddenly.  
  
I raised my eyebrows, this was surprising."I would have thought that was obvious, Harry."  
  
"Why?" he asked, all the more confused.  
  
"Well, I suumed that if the boggart faced you, it would assume the shape of Lord Voldemort"--Maybe I shouldn't have said Voldemort's name....He stared at me after this, but I continued talking. "Clearly I was wrong, but I didn't think it a good idea for Lord Voldemort to materialize in the staffroom. I imagined that people would panic."  
  
"I didn't think of Voldemort," he said, I could hear that he was being honest. But what did he fear more than him? It had to be rather terrible, because he even said Voldemort's name as I had. "I---I remembered those dementors."  
  
I was taken aback from this. I nodded thoughtfully, considering all he had just said in its fullest detail. "Ah...I see. Well, well...I'm impressed." Harry looked genuinely surprised at this, which made me smile a bit." That suggests that what you fear the most of all is---fear. Very wise, Harry." Harry seemed a bit esteemed by this, and drank his tea in silence. "So, you've been thinking that i didn't believe you capable of fighting the boggart?"  
  
"Well...yeah," Harry grinned, seeing how it was all a big mistake. "Say, Professor Lupin, you know the dementors----" Harry was interrupted by Snape, who had walked in with the Wolfsbane. He stopped and looked at Harry with the kind of dislike he showed to all of us Marauders. Showed that his hate for James came in the will. I smiled against my will.  
  
"Ah, Severys. Thanks very much. Could you leave it on the desk for me?" Severus slowly put down the goblet, at first his eyes set on Harry, then glancing over to me. I felt weird under his gaze, my blood turning cold. I ignored it and kept smiling uneasily. "I was just showing Harry my grindylow," I said pleasantly, pointing with my thumb at the tank, quickly taking my eyes off him and on the water demon I had enclosed. But Severus kept staring at me.  
  
"Fascinating," he said, not even looking at it. He straightened up with a look of power, but seemed more gentle than usual...a gentle authority figure with flickering eyes. How contridicting... "You should drink that directly, Lupin. "  
  
"Yes, yes, I will." I looked at the goblet mockingly, hating every bit of it and the reason it was made.  
  
'I made an entire cauldronfil, if you need more..."  
  
I looked up and smiled. "I should probably take some again tomorrow. Thanks very much, Severus."  
  
'Not at all." He backed out of the room weirdly and left me close to shivering again. I told Harry that it was just a regular potion, trying to keep all doubts about me off the topic, even though I had risked quite a bit with my Full-Moon Boggart...That was dumb, Remus...really imbecilistic... Harry left and I went back to working.  
  
Off to the feast now, Diary!! Bye bye, Happy Halloween!  
  
Remus  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god...  
  
Sirius is here. Sirius is in Hogwarts...  
  
I want to rush to him, have him hold me in his arms, tell me he was innocent, give me proof....  
  
Oh Sirius....why did you do any of this? How could you betray James? Why did you have to ignore me after they made you the secret-keeper? Did you know that you'd be the one to end their life? Or were you one of those last- second traitors? ...Why? WHY, SIRIUS! Sometimes I just can't take it any more. I LOVED you. I fricken' LOVED you....and I thought you loved me....I thought you loved James (in a friend way) and you gave in so easily...and you want to kill Harry. I cannot believe you....I cannot believe myself....  
  
Severus was able to...er-comfort me. After we searched for the Fat Lady he walked me back to my room, I was in shock--barely breathing...Why had I allowed myself to be so weak? You're pathetic, Remus.  
  
Anyhow, he lead me back to my bed. I sat down on it, trying to remain calm. So many things were going on in my head, all interrupted by a soft sound.  
  
"Remus," he whispered, "I know what you are thinking about...and....and even though I can most likely not provide much consolation to you, I can advise you not to worry. Your dearest Padfoot"--he had a steely note in his voice that he hadn't used the whole night. A note of disgust he used so frequently, it had returned. But it wasn't so much disgust for Sirius, but hate for...himself? He sounded so down, so feeble, so weak. I was lost for words, and luckily he spoke for me--"is here, but you know what he did, Remus. You can't forgive him for that, but you can forget him. Forget him...and move on. Don't let him trouble you so much.." He leaned down and did something totally unexpected.  
  
he kissed me.  
  
I wanted to recoil, but I couldn't. I stood there, slowly closing my eyes only to have it lost as quickly as it came. I opened my eyes quickly and bit my lip. He turned around and walked out with a small "good night, Remus...". I gasped, having all of it wash over me. "Severus!" I was whispering/ moaning the word, making him stop in his tracks and then walk faster. I wanted him back, I wanted it all back, it was the only thing that made me feel wonderful since I last was with Padfoot. But Severus was out of the room, leaving me alone and full of thoughts again....I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight, Diary...  
  
I never knew Severus actually felt that way about me and---he...he kissed and.....and then I...  
  
Why did I enjoy it!?!? God, I can't understand this all...........someone, PLEASE try to explain it to me.  
  
Confused Remus  
  
Dear Diary  
  
Oh, it was difficult to face Severus after the night the Fat Lady fled. He had been on my mind ever since. Every time I sat at the Staff table I would hear him talking to either McGonagall or someone else, I would cherish his voice, pretend he was talking to me. Then I would shake myself out of it and sit silently. I would walk past him in the hall, trying to avoid his eye by either putting a book up over my face to hide myself, and I would hear an occasional chuckle from him, as if he noticed my humility and thought it ridiculous. It was, really...I just couldn't help it. I thought he might hate me as much as he ever did--or did he? Everything was so mixed up to me. I wanted to talk to him, maybe have him help me with everything, but I couldn't confront him.  
  
Luckily he came to me first.  
  
I was sitting in my office, correcting papers on the Grindylows (which they handled WONDERFULLY, by the way!!) When the door opened. The scent of aconite, seaweed , roses, and willow roots. Severus had entered with the Wolfsbane potion. I didn't dare look up from my book, instead I buried myself in it, pretending to be temporarily deaf. He raised his eyebrows and smiled, emitting a small laugh. I looked up meekly and bit my lip, pushing my graying hair out of my eyes. He sighed and sat down.  
  
"I told you not to worry abou--"  
  
"I'm not worried about Sirius."  
  
He looked mildly surprised. "Then what are you worried about?"  
  
"...." I looked up at him, not ready to speak yet. What if he didn't like me still? What if he thought I liked him and just did it as a comforting gesture?  
  
"Remus?...It's about last night, isn---"  
  
"Why did you kiss me?" I asked, abruptly standing up and looking at him in the eyes. The deep, fathomless black eyes. I could feel them pouring into mine, my mind being almost read by his eyes. He looked at me as if I was crazy, as if I should have known the answer.  
  
"Because, Remus. I think you know the answer already."  
  
'I thought you hated me."  
  
Severus sat down, laughing like it was the most humorous thing in the world he had ever heard. His low, deep laugh finally ebbed away, leaving me still staring at him emotionlessly.  
  
"I don't HATE you, Remus...quite the contrary. I never hated you, actually. I was always interested in you. At first it was just an interest in WHAT you were. Then it was WHO you were. I wanted to get to know you. I saw you and Sirius walking down the halls, him leading you seductively into the portrait hole to do god knows what, and I saw you. So innocent, so beautiful. I knew that you were different from your friends. I wanted to be with you, Remus. I wanted to have the freedom around you that Sirius had. I wanted everything I couldn't have..."  
  
I just looked at him. How long had he felt this way? How come he never told me and I t--- Oh gods, my head was still swimming with so many thoughts about everything....I wanted to forget it all and just walk over to him, have him hold me, feel what it was like to be loved by him. I had only been in love with Sirius before, I had no idea what anybody else was like. But I wanted to know. I wanted to learn all about Severus, have him know me, and maybe have him accept me...  
  
Severus stood up before I got a chance to say anything. "I can understand, Remus. You're still stuck on him...You need a subsitute for today, don't you? I think i can do that..."  
  
He left after that. I wanted to run after him, but I couldn't bring myself to it......  
  
Do I love him?....I don't know...I'll get back to you....  
  
Remus 


	4. I might

Author's note:Yeah, I know what you are thinking by now. "How did this turn into a sappy, angsty, love thing? You suck!" And you're right....wait---er-- What I MEANT to say is that it may seem weird that Severus is in love with Remus momentarily, but I have plans for everyone's favorite Wolf! ^_^ he he! Hope those of you who are hating me for it still read on!!!  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
The potion works incredibly well...dispite it's loathable taste. Last night I was quite able to keep control, just curling up in my office as a harmless wolf, waiting for the moon to wane. But it seems like things didn't go well for my classes while I was gone. The third years, in specific.  
  
I came back the next day, looking more terrible than usual, but I felt fine. (ever have that sort of thing? It's strange. Very strange!) I sat down, grading a few more papers as the students came in. I smiled up at them as they took their seats and burst into a chorus of complaints. "It's not fair! He was only filling in, why should he give us homework?" Seamus Finnigam shouted out. "We don't know anything about werewolves--" Lavender Brown excalimed. "--Two rolls of parchment!" an anonymous kid shouted. I shrank back, hearing Lavender's comment. I frowned. How could Severus actually...I mean, if he just gave me some time to explain my feelings for him, he wouldn't be so angry...and now he....I had to talk with Severus.  
  
"Did you tell Professor Snape we haven't covered them yet?" I asked, trying to not let my thoughts come through.  
  
"Yes but he said we were really behind--" Hermione began. "--he wouldn't listen--" Ron said, making a sour face. "--two rolls of parchment!!!!" the anonymous child shouted yet again, making me smile.  
  
"Don't worry, I'll speak to Professor Snape. You don't have to do the essay- -"  
  
"Oh no! I've already finished it," said Hermione, all her hard work for nothing. The lesson continued, not another word of Snape was spoken, they all seemed as angry with him as I. Bringing out the glass container with the hinkypunk caught their eyes, the one legged whispy demon with the lantern-clad head. They took notes, seeming happy to have Severus gone, and then tried their luck on the hinkypunk, suceeding as they always do!  
  
After class I called Harry back, asking if I could talk with him. Quite recently Harry was in a Quidditch match, one that took place in the rain against Hufflepuff. While he was trying to find the Snitch he was interrupted by a parade of Dementors. His broom flew into the Whomping Willow and he fell off...  
  
"I heard about the match," I said, packing my books into my briefcase...I need a new one, I think," and I am sorry about your broomstick. Is there any chance of fixing it?"  
  
"No...The tree smashed it to bits..." Harry said heavily.  
  
"Hmm...They planted the Whomping Willow the same year that I arrived at Hogwarts. People used to play a game, trying to get near enough to touch the trunk. In the end, a boy called Davey Gudgeon nearly lost an eye, and we were forbidden to go near it. No broomstick would have a chance..."  
  
"Did you hear about the dementors, too?" Harry said with some difficulty.  
  
That suddenly caught my attention. "Yes, I did. I don't think any of us have seen Professor Dumbledore that angry. They have been growing restless for some time...furious at his refusal to let them insaide the grounds...I suppose they were the reason you fell?" I replied, looking at him concernedly.  
  
"Yes.." Harry sat there for a while. He then looked as if he were to jump out of his seat, but he sat still, suddenly speaking. "Why!? Why the affect me like that? Am I just---"  
  
"It has nothing to do with weakness Harry," I interrupted, knowing what he would ask. "The dementors affect you worse than others because there are horrors in your past that the others don't have. Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They indest the darkest, flithiest places, they glor in decay and dispair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them. Even Muggles feel their presence, though they can't see them. Get too near a dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the dementor will feed upon you long enough to reduce you to something like itself...soul- less and evil. You'll be left with nothing but the worst experiances of your life. And the worst that happenned to you, Harry, is enough to make anyone fall off their broom. You have nothing to be ashamed of," I said, trying to smile reassuringly.  
  
"When they get near me..." Harry was staring down, he sounded on the edge of tears. "I can hear Voldemort murdering my mum." My hand reached out to grip his shoulder, but I recoiled, biting my lip. We sat in silence for a bit.  
  
"Why did they have to come to the match?" Harry said, breaking the silence bitterly.  
  
"They're getting hungry," I responded, a bit quietly but still calmly as I shut my briefcase. "Dumbledore won't let them into the school, so their supply of human prey has dried up...I don't think they could resist a large crowd around the Quidditch field. All that excitement...emotions running high...it was their idea of a feast..."  
  
"Azkaban must be terrible," Harry mumbled. I nodded.  
  
"The fortress is set on a tiny island, way out to sea, but they don't need walls and water to keep the prisoners in, not when they're all trapped inside their own heads, incapable of a single cheerful thought. Most of them go mad within weeks..." I looked out the window, resting my elbow on my briefcase, and then looked at him.  
  
"But Sirius Black escaped from them," Harry said slowly," he got away..."  
  
My elbow slipped, causing the briefcase to fall from the desk. I quickly chrouched and caught it before it reached the ground and straightened up nervously. "Yes," I replied, my voice cracking here and there," Siri--Black much have found a way to fight them. I wouldn't have believed it possible...Dementors are supposed to drain a wizard of his powers if he is left with them too long.."  
  
"You made that dementor on the train back off."  
  
"There are--certain defenses one can uses. But there was only one dementor on the train. The more there are, the more difficult it becomes to resist."  
  
"What defenses? Can you teach me!?" Harry said, making me cringe a bit.  
  
"I don't pretend to be an expert at fighting dementors, Harry...quite the contrary..." I said slowly, trying to get him off the idea.  
  
"But if the dementors come to another Quidditch mach, I need to be able to fight them!!"  
  
I looked at Harry for a moment, trying to weigh the idea with everything else. I hesitated and then said,"Well....All right...I'll try and help. But it'll have to wait until next term, I'm afraid. I have a lot to do before the holidays. I chose a very inconvenient time to fall ill."  
  
Harry left, leaving me to my thoughts. Oh! I forgot completely!  
  
I have to go find Severus!!  
  
Remus  
  
Dear Diary  
  
Found 'em.  
  
And confronted him...  
  
And things went....let me explain.  
  
I walked across the grounds on another one of the Hogsmeade days. I sat by the lake and stared at it when I saw a black figure reflected in the icy water. I stood up and turned around to see Severus. I sighed and looked at him.  
  
"Severus--"  
  
"Hello, Remus," he said, simple yet effective. I closed my eyes and shook my head. You're upset with him, Remus. Remember? He could have very well told everyone what you were!! He almost did it once!  
  
"Severus, we need to talk. Listen, I suppose when you decided to fill in for me you were a bit..angry, but you didn't even wait for me to explain myself! And now--they don't EXPECT anything, I hope, but--"Severus looked at me. He just sat there, emotionless, surveying. No sneer played on his face, no smile was offered, no frown of repent. He just sat there. I cleared my throat. "But, afterall, I guess it brought no harm...so...I..." He kept looking at me. He stood, silent and composed. Hmm...he washed his hair.  
  
"So, what do you want to explain, Remus?" he asked, once again so simply. I swallowed and shuffled my feet, I must have looked like a small child holding a dog behind his back, asking for the parents to let him have it. I looked pitiful, and I think he noticed.  
  
"Well..Severus...you explained yourself to me and I..." I looked at him and bit my lip. I took a step forward, attempting to just walk away; I couldn't find the words for how I felt. Before I got the chance to walk around him I was stopped by his arms bringing me forward into another...kiss.  
  
I remembered this. I had wanted this again. And it came. I closed my eyes, feeling the long lost emotion of love/hate/fury/joy/fright/comfort that only he could give. I felt dizzy after he pulled away and I didn't dare open my eyes. I could hear him sigh and I pushed back into the kiss, surprising even myself.  
  
Oh gods, I hope nobody saw...  
  
I suppose it was a bit abrupt, but...Diary? Did I really do the right thing?  
  
Remus... 


	5. The secret of Wolfsbane

Dear Diary,  
  
Yesterday went nicely...Severus and I sat together, talking about many things as he ridiculed me for my unyielding optimism on all the subjects I so passionately spoke of. It was like I was with Sirius again. A shorter haired, not-as-handsome, colder Sirius... But it didn't matter. I felt just the same for him...But wasn't Padfoot supposed to be around the school? I had only hoped he hadn't seen me...I had forgotten any doubts by the morning  
  
I walked past Severus on the way to the Great Hall for breakfast and then stopped. I turned around and so did he. I smiled and he smirked nonchalantly. I shook my head and kept walking, raising my hand behind me as a greeting. At the Staff Table he sat next to me, making me blush. He put a hand on my back, and I blushed even more, my ears turning crimson.  
  
Once the meal ended I sought out Professor Trelawny. I desprately needed some lunar charts and Professor Binns had run out, apparently. I walked up many flights of stairs until I came to a dead end. I looked over at the left wall, seeing the old misplaced brick that when tapped with a wand would cause half the stones to disappear, revealing a door into Zonko's. James claimed to have dug the tunnel with a spoon. We never believed him.  
  
I grinned and turned left, searching the ceiling for the gray string to pull on and open the trapdoor above me. I pulled on it, a silver ladder extending from the hole. I climbed up the ladder and turned around to see that Professor Trelawny was teaching a class.  
  
"See, students! I told you we would be having a visitor anytime now! Enter, please, Remus. Sit down, I will be with you in a moment," she said in what would be a very mysterious voice, had I not heard her before. Walking across the clouded room, I searched for an empty chair as I saw Harry, Ron, and Hermione waving at me. I smiled and waved back, hearing Hermione say:  
  
"She never said we would be having a visitor."  
  
I smiled and sat down in a pink pouf, slowly sinking into the bowels of the piece of furniture. In a few seconds I was in a very curious position indeed. I looked as if the chair were eating me. I coughed, trying to get out of it as the students who had been watching me instead of Professor Trelawny laughed at my feeble attempt. I waved weakly and gestured for them to "shh! Pay attention to Professor Trelawny!!"  
  
She had finished giving instructions, and luckily hadn't heard any of the comments said while I was there, apparently, because she came over to me with her beady smile.  
  
"What can I do for you, young Remus?"  
  
I smiled at this. She still called me 'young Remus'. She was my old Divination teacher, and was fond of me since I was the only silent one of our group and never hindered her with contridicting comments. Sirius always brought a laugh when he did so, his anecdotes had always been very clever, but she seemed to hate it.  
  
"Well, Professor Trelawny--"  
  
"Oh, please, Remus! I'm no longer your teacher! Call me Sibyll. "  
  
"Er--Sibyll," I felt so weird saying this, just like calling Dumbledore "Albus" or McGonagall "Minerva", "I was wondering if you happened to have any Lunar Charts? I figured because you were starting that unit with the Sixth Years about the astrolo---"  
  
"Oh, Remus, how did you know about that? It seems I have taught you how to use your Inner Eye!!"  
  
I only smiled at this, in truth: The reason I knew was because the Sixth Years complained to me about how terrible it was. I didn't dare say this, of course. She seemed so proud of herself.  
  
"Learned from the master! But, if I may be more to the point, may I have a copy of one of the charts?"  
  
"Certainly, Remus! I'll be right back..." She went into her cupboards and brought out a roll of paper, resembling the ones we used. But, of course, she had bewitched them to follow the moon's phases of recent. I looked down at them gratefully and smiled back up at her. "Oh, Remus, would you care for a nice Crystal Gaze? Maybe we could read for eachother, or I could just read your fut--" My ears went red. What if she found out about Severus and I? No way, can't stay here.  
  
"Thanks, Professor Trelawny!!"I said, quickly walking out the door before I could pretend to have not heard her.  
  
I searched for December's Full Moon, to see that it was a week away. I ran to Severus's room during the passing period after Lunch. I knocked on the door, and he answered. I smiled and sighed.  
  
"Severus, i have a fav--"  
  
He pulled me inside, shutting the door behind me. I looked at it, figuring he would lock it like Sirius did whenever he pulled me inside somewhere. I looked at him with wide eyes as he sat me down in a chair next to his in front of the fire. (He had a fireplace...?)  
  
"Yes, Remus?"  
  
"Severus..."  
  
"Yes, Remus?" he repeated, seeming a bit annoyed, but not quite.  
  
I laughed. "Sorry, I was a bit---Anyhow, have you looked at the Lunar Charts lately?"  
  
"That time of the month again?" I looked at him with a smirk. He laughed. "You know what I mean."  
  
"Yes, within a week."  
  
"Then I'll get started, shall I?" He stood up, walking to his cauldron and adding various ingrediants. I watched as he added everything with a quick elegance, seeming to know the potion by heart. I watched as he pulled out a knife and brought it to his arm. I stood up immediately.  
  
"What are you doing!?"  
  
He looked at me. "Making the potion. You want it , don't you?"  
  
'But...with that knife? What are you using the knife fo---" I was cut short by the sound of the dagger scraping across his forearm. I recoiled, seeing him put his blood into the concoction, making it turn a sickly purple. His own blood...such pain showed on his face....all for me? I couldn't stand seeing him like this. I walked over to him, looking in his eyes, black and fathomless once more. I really wish that right now I had the capability to read his mind as his eyes looked into mine. He smirked painfully.  
  
"I love that innocent expression you wear so often," he said, laughing a bit at my eyes, wide with sadness and horror. "You look just like you always have...Beautifu---"  
  
"You know how to fix your arm, don't you?" I interrupted, looking at his arm, raising my wand over it. "...Herios..." I muttered, his wound closed, keeping my eyes on his.  
  
"...I knew how to do that, Remus. I'm not entirely inadequete at Charms, you know." He reached for a goblet and poured some of the terrible potion into the cup, offering it to me. I knocked it away, looking at it mockingly as it spilled over the floor. I shook my head and walked by to the chair by the fire, bringing my knees to my chin and let the tears freely stream down my face as I stared into the fire. I was hideous...A terrible creature....And I had led Severus into making something that hurt him just to help me in my horrific state...I had drank his blood in the potion that calmed me so much...  
  
He came over to me, looking at me pitifully. I swallowed, trying to wipe my tears away with my sleeve. He caught my hand and knelt down;still holding it he looked at my eyes once more. He kissed my hand as if I was royalty, and smirked. 'It's fine, Remus," he said soothingly as he came forward to me, gazing at me as he came closer and closer, making me lose my breath. I swallowed and he was at last near to me, close enough for a kiss. His lips brushed against mine, making me shudder. I closed my eyes as he embraced me, kissing me, holding me, comforting me, making me feel I was...human.  
  
Severus...I am sorry.  
  
Remus.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I awoke in a strange room. The sheets were a dark green silk, and the room was lavished with green and black wall paper. The silver furniture stood elegantly and sparcely across the room. I turned over and saw a black haired head and coughed.  
  
I was sleeping in Severus's bed...?!?!?!  
  
I looked down at myself, seeing that I still wore pants. Oh, okay. Good. So nothing happened?  
  
I don't think that anything happened.... I placed my finger on Severus's back and ran down it, making him squirm. I laughed and pulled the hair off his neck, blowing on his neck. He immediately grabbed a pillow and put it over his head. I smiled and lay back down, staring at the ceiling, trying to remember what happened last night...  
  
I remember when Severus backed away from me...  
  
"Remus...you need the potio--"  
  
"Severus...I can't. I'd rather return to the Shrieking Shack and tear myself apart limb from limb as a hideous creature, a werewolf...than take that....that potion..." I closed my eyes again, trying to connect with him again, to feel those emotions, the warmth he gave me. He pushed me away.  
  
"You're not hideous. Listen to me, I won't have you mutilating yourself any more, okay?" He walked over to the cauldron and picked up the spilled cup, poured another gobletful and handed it to me. "Remus, drink." I looked at him for a while and then down at the goblet. My heart sank as I saw a red tint to the concoction, and I bit my lip. I couldn't bear it. I hated everything about myself. I hated the fact that Severus loved me and had to mutilate himself for me once a month just so I would be "safe". I looked at his arm, still bared, full of fresh scars from this year. I felt my eyes watering again, I closed my eyes and turned away. He stood up and came to me and kissed me, then quickly drew away and put something else to my lips, a hot rush of liquid that's taste resembled that of Nyquil and blood. I opened my eyes, but the cup was drained. He put on an evil sort of smirk at me and put the cup behind him.  
  
"You cheap bas--"  
  
"I had to get it down somehow."  
  
I looked at him with a bit of anger and stood up, walking to the fireplace. I could still taste the Wolfsbane on my lips, I licked it off and wiped my tongue with my sleeve, trying to get the thick, disgusting flavor off. He made a derisive noise.  
  
'Now you hate me?" he cried scornfully.  
  
I pondered the question, trying to pick my words carefully. "I don't hate you, Sevvy--" He smiled at this--"yes, I made a nickname for you, but...I'm perfectly fine with you. It's me...It's the whole idea. The big issue."  
  
"There's nothing to be worried about. I don't care, you shouldn't care. You are too thoughtful, too analytical, Remus. You really ought to not do that any more..." He came to me and looked into the fire, which started to reduce since when I came in. " I just couldn't stand you...doing things how you used to. You always were so weary at classes, and yet you had to do so much, most of your work was extra credit. You made things tough on yourself...And now that I have the chance to loosen things up for you, I'm gonna take it. And I demand you to comply. For me, at least--take the damn potion and fricken' like the affects!!!"  
  
I laughed meekly. He turned around and raised his eyebrows. "Got it?" I nodded, not daring to deny my "master".  
  
I can't remember anything after that until now. I looked at Severus on his side, a black "wife-beater" hanging loosely on his back. He had always been naturally thin. I looked down at myself, no shirt on--Severus, you creep-- and brown pajama pants. I shook my head, feeling a bit cold I pondered the idea of cuddling up to Severus, wrapping my arms around him and feeling his warmth. I considered it for a while, and testing my courage, slowly crept across the bed to him, putting my right arm over his shoulder and resting it on his stomach. My skin felt the ribbed cotton of the shirt he wore, and I smiled. He was warm. I closed my eyes in happiness and rested my head near his middle back. He groaned and shook his shoulders slightly, searching for my hand and holding it. I grinned and dug my face into his back. Severus laughed.  
  
We stayed like that for a couple hours as he and I slept on. When I awoke I was alone, a teddy bear in my arms instead of Severus. I got up and walked over to Severus's bathroom, smoothing back my hair and looking down at my scarred stomach. Severus laughed as I looked at myself thoughtfully.  
  
"Ego-maniac."  
  
I turned around quickly and reached for a towel to cover myself up with. Nervously, I wrapped it around my bared skin. He laughed once again, reaching up to pull the towel off against my will.  
  
"How did you ever get such hard abs, Remus?" He asked, his hand going towards my mid-stomach and running a finger down it until he reached my largest scar across my lower abdomen. "And all these scars all over your stomach. I hope you understand why I am forcing you to use the potion now."  
  
I smiled, blushing furiously. "I made tea, come. Today you'll have a Severus Snape specialty for breakfast. No more of that Elf food."I bit my lip and followed him.  
  
Remus. 


	6. Merry Christmasnew and revised

Author's Note: Hello! Wow! People like my story? WOW! Hehe, sorry, I just hope I found something I'm good at for once!! Well---For all you people who loathe seeing so much Snape (I agree, I just think it would help the plot development!) I have a little surprise for you. This chapter contains SPOILERS, so if you haven't read the 3rd book the whole way through---WHY NOT!? IT'S WONDERFUL!! READ IT NOW, or suffer a death I like to call "Ferrets and hot wax". You can guess what it is. Also--Thanks to EVERYONE who reviewed me! I really needed it! I love you guys! *saultes* And now, for more of Remus's Diary!  
  
DISCLAIMER:I can't believe I forgot this! IDIOT=ZIA!! Okay, all of these characters and some of the plot is J.K.Rowlings, who IS your god. None of these characters are mine, although I sorely wish Remmie and Sirius were all my own. *smiles evilly* That'd be fun.  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I was walking down the hall after I left Lunch today and a hand grabbed me by the shirt and pulled me into what seemed to be an empty dungeon. There was no light and I, stupidly enough, didn't reach for my wand to illuminate the room. The hand let go of me but I didn't move. I was frozen.  
  
"Gave up on me, Remus?" said a hoarse and dead voice of someone I used to know. My ears perked up in alarm as he pulled my wand out of my belt and lit a lamp---SIRIUS! I looked at him, the frail, ghostlike shell of the exuberant and strong Padfoot I once knew. I could feel a shout of joy/confusion/dispair/hope rising in my throat, but it had suddenly dried up. I just looked at him. "Oh, don't look at me like that Remus! You hafta know it wasn--You probably don't, huh? Well, listen, I got more important matters to discuss with you, Remus J. Lupin. What's with this--this SEVERU--"  
  
I suddenly found my voice. "SIRIUS WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!?! DON'T YOU KNOW THA--"  
  
"Shut UP, Remus!! You're gonna get us caught." He shut me up with his hand and slowly moved to the edge of the room, listening for anyone who was coming. He came back and put a silencing spell around us, making our voices only heard by us. He started to pace. "Gods, I wish James gave us the Invisibilty cloak....''  
  
I stared at him for a while, letting the whole thing pass over me until I once again was able to speak, this time in more of a whisper. "Sirius...What are yo--"  
  
"Okay! I'll admit it! I was spying on you. Yeah, okay, that's a load off my concience--"  
  
"SPYING ON M--"  
  
"Yeah! Remus! I couldn't help it! I read the papers and saw that you were gonna be the new Professor and.....Remus, I am undeniably proud of you, but- --" He walked up to me and stood directly above me, his face a split between menacing and worried. Why was he--"SEVERUS? I mean---I saw you near the Lake and at first I denied that you kissed HIM, but then I saw you and him and--"  
  
"Sirius!"  
  
"I mean, literally, how could you fall for--"  
  
"SIRIUS!!"  
  
"Yeah, what!? Oh, listen, Remus, don't call me ridiculous and all that shi-- "  
  
"Sirius, why are you even here? I shouldn't be talking to you! The dementors will find you and---Sirius, how could you even do all that? And Harry---" I stood up, still shorter than he, but trying to look as mean as I could "--You. Leave. Harry. Alone."  
  
"Harry? This has nothing to do with Harry! This is between me, you, and the Mop. Moony...I thought that even though I was gone that you wouldn't--I mean, my attempts weren't hopeless, were they?"I heard footsteps approaching. I turned around, both out of fury, sadness, and worry. Sirius was here....He was in front of me and I couldn't say everything I had wanted to say so badly. That he had screwed all of us just so he could have a name on the Dark Side. That he killed James. That it was all his fault, and if he dared touch a hair on Harry's head (no pun intended) that I would have hesitation in sending him back to Azkaban or even to the Dementors. That he killed me just like he killed James and Peter. And that...and that I still loved him...."Remus....Remus, please---talk to me. You don't believe---you don't believe them, do you? It wasn't ME----Remus? Remus, listen! I can explain it all!"  
  
I turned back to him. "What do you mean, Sirius...?"  
  
"I mean that it wasn't me! I mean that it was Peter! Wormtail screwed us all over, not me! I left at the last minute because I thought that Wormtail's supreme love for James would prove strong, that even thought they'd come looking for me they wouldn't find out anything. And Peter-- Peter told them--"  
  
I shook my head. "Dammit, Sirius..."  
  
"I'm telling the truth! Please! Remus, please, PLEASE believe me!"  
  
"Okay, Sirius, then WHY ARE YOU HERE? You AREN'T just here to see me, that was never the case."  
  
" What else!? For Peter! He's here, Moony. He's not in his human form, you know. He may be an idiot, but he's got a good thing going for him right now...I'm sure I can change tha---"  
  
"You've gone insane, just like all the prisoners. And I won't try to trust you any more. I won't lie to myself..." I started to cry again. God, I am pathetic...Sirius saw me and I quickly turned away. He came around to me and wrapped and arm around me, bringing another, embracing me. I opened my eyes and tried to get away, I couldn't stand it anymore. I stopped and dropped my head on his shoulder, sobbing.  
  
"Remus....Please, I beg of you...trust me...believe me... Just this once..." he whispered to me, making me feel so mixed.  
  
"I still love you, Remus....even if you don't love me."  
  
He seemed to disappear and I was left hugging air. He apparated....to where? I don't know... Probably somewhere he could transfigure himself into that big, black dog he always liked....  
  
A very mixed Remus.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I can't get my mind off everything Sirius spoke about. He seemed rather angry with me and yet...so comforting. So...yeilding. He...he can't be telling the truth. Peter is dead, dammit....But it brought a question to my mind...  
  
"Why would Siri ever do this...."  
  
I guess the answer lies in the future...in evidence unfound, lies to be broken...And...And hopefully I can learn the truth about all this?....Hopefully...  
  
On an even heavier note, the full moon is within 1 days...On Christmas night....What a terrible time to have this event take place...Severus promised me he'd get me a present as long as I make him one. "Make him one"? I have no idea what he likes!!....A pet, maybe? ....He'd hate me forever if I gave him more responsiblity :) But then again....it might soften him up, having a little animal in his arms during the many nights he spent alone....  
  
I stood up from my chair and strode out of my office. Since it was the Winter Holidays I figured I could get away with going to Hogsmeade and trying to buy him a furry companion. My head filled with little notions about what to buy him and how he'd react. So many thoughts popped into my head, each as humorous as the next. I finally came to the store, a large stone one with the hanging sign "Frankinsence's Magical Animal Shop" that had a small picture of a dog carved into it's reddish wood. I entered through the door, a small bell chiming as I did so and walked around the store. I spotted many creatures. Small mice and rats with sleek coats, little puppies with all kinds of color fur, owls with shimmering feathers and a rather regal look about them, toads and frogs happily croaking in a small pond at the back, along with many mystical animals I never considered as pets, but looked extremely domestic. I smiled and walked past all these, considering them, but discarding the ideas of Severus having one of each. I at last came to the kittens.  
  
I looked at them, a orange tabby, a white persian, a grey shorthaired, a little rag-doll cat, a British Blue-cream (which looks rather uptight) and at last my eyes rested on one that stood apart from the others. Sitting on the windowsill was a tiny black kitten with forest-green eyes. I smiled at it, and walked up to it, petting it soothingly and looking at it. It seemed perfect! Sevvy would love it! I picked it up and walked to the counter, setting it down. The young witch looked at me.  
  
"Ah, that's Leviathan. He's a cutie, huh?" I nodded, looking affectionately at the small kitten. Leviathan? A sea serpent...Good!!! "Christmas gift?" I nodded once again, smiling. "Ah, well, that'll be 12 Galleons, please." I put the money on the counter and picked up the cat, walking out of the store. When I came back to Hogwarts I sneaked into Severus's chamber and looked around to see if anyone was there, and when it was confirmed that the room was empty I tied a ribbon around the cat's green collar and set it underneath his Christmas tree with a little note on the ribbon stating "To Severus, from your secret admirer", hoping he'd get the joke. I left the room and went back to my own. Merry Christmas Eve!! Remus  
  
Dear ???,  
  
I dunno what to call you. "Diary" seems a bit...I dunno, feminine. I'll think of something.  
  
Anyway, today's the day after Christmas, what James used to call the gloomiest day of the year, since no fun holidays came until Easter. I found it rather exciting, though. Today Severus would come to me and tell me how he liked his present!!  
  
I sneaked around the hallways, trying to keep out of sight in case Severus came by--or, even more on my mind, Sirius still spying on me. I half crawled, half sprinted to Severus's office and turned the handle slowly, creeping into the seemingly abandoned room, searching about for anyone when something small rubbed against my leg. I looked down to find Leviathan. I smiled and picked him up as he purred in my arms.  
  
"He likes you, Secret Admirer," said a voice in my ear. I smiled and closed my eyes as Severus guided me over to the Christmas Tree he kept in the corner of his room. I sat down beside him, next to the fire and garland filled pine tree. I kept my eyes closed as he pushed a medium package into my hands.  
  
"What is i---"  
  
"Open it up and see, Remus."  
  
I grinned and opened my eyes to see a bright red box with little Santas all over it. My grin became even broader as I unwrapped the package, saving the paper as a little memory. ( It was too cute to waste ) I pulled off the top of the lid to find---  
  
New robes and a briefcase. I looked at them and down at my frayed and patched clothes, realising how completely strange I looked. I looked at Severus and he smiled.  
  
"Well? Aren't you going to put them on, Remus? That's what they're meant for, you know.." he said, making me quickly lose that stupid look on my face and forced me to stand up. I wrapped the robe around me, tying the first two knots and leaving the rest untied. I walked to the mirror in his bedroom and turned around, looking at myself. I finally looked like a real Professor, not some raggedy old werewolf. I turned back to face the mirror and saw Severus standing at the doorway. "Lovely, Remus."  
  
I smiled softly and walked to him for a hug.  
  
"So, how did you like your present, Severus?  
  
"Leviathan? He's sweet...and very small. He'll grow right? I keep getting the feeling I'm going to step on him."  
  
I laughed. "Yes, he'll grow. Do you want some cookies? I made some...." and with that we spent the rest of the day together...:)  
  
Remus 


	7. Leviathan

Author's Note: Hello! Wow! People like my story? WOW! Hehe, sorry, I just hope I found something I'm good at for once!! Well---For all you people who loathe seeing so much Snape (I agree, I just think it would help the plot development!) I have a little surprise for you. This chapter contains SPOILERS, so if you haven't read the 3rd book the whole way through---WHY NOT!? IT'S WONDERFUL!! READ IT NOW, or suffer a death I like to call "Ferrets and hot wax". You can guess what it is. Also--Thanks to EVERYONE who reviewed me! I really needed it! I love you guys! *saultes* And now, for more of Remus's Diary!  
  
DISCLAIMER:I can't believe I forgot this! IDIOT=ZIA!! Okay, all of these characters and some of the plot is J.K.Rowlings, who IS your god. None of these characters are mine, although I sorely wish Remmie and Sirius were all my own. *smiles evilly* That'd be fun.  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I was walking down the hall after I left Lunch today and a hand grabbed me by the shirt and pulled me into what seemed to be an empty dungeon. There was no light and I, stupidly enough, didn't reach for my wand to illuminate the room. The hand let go of me but I didn't move. I was frozen.  
  
"Gave up on me, Remus?" said a hoarse and dead voice of someone I used to know. My ears perked up in alarm as he pulled my wand out of my belt and lit a lamp---SIRIUS! I looked at him, the frail, ghostlike shell of the exuberant and strong Padfoot I once knew. I could feel a shout of joy/confusion/dispair/hope rising in my throat, but it had suddenly dried up. I just looked at him. "Oh, don't look at me like that Remus! You hafta know it wasn--You probably don't, huh? Well, listen, I got more important matters to discuss with you, Remus J. Lupin. What's with this--this SEVERU--"  
  
I suddenly found my voice. "SIRIUS WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!?! DON'T YOU KNOW THA--"  
  
"Shut UP, Remus!! You're gonna get us caught." He shut me up with his hand and slowly moved to the edge of the room, listening for anyone who was coming. He came back and put a silencing spell around us, making our voices only heard by us. He started to pace. "Gods, I wish James gave us the Invisibilty cloak....''  
  
I stared at him for a while, letting the whole thing pass over me until I once again was able to speak, this time in more of a whisper. "Sirius...What are yo--"  
  
"Okay! I'll admit it! I was spying on you. Yeah, okay, that's a load off my concience--"  
  
"SPYING ON M--"  
  
"Yeah! Remus! I couldn't help it! I read the papers and saw that you were gonna be the new Professor and.....Remus, I am undeniably proud of you, but- --" He walked up to me and stood directly above me, his face a split between menacing and worried. Why was he--"SEVERUS? I mean---I saw you near the Lake and at first I denied that you kissed HIM, but then I saw you and him and--"  
  
"Sirius!"  
  
"I mean, literally, how could you fall for--"  
  
"SIRIUS!!"  
  
"Yeah, what!? Oh, listen, Remus, don't call me ridiculous and all that shi-- "  
  
"Sirius, why are you even here? I shouldn't be talking to you! The dementors will find you and---Sirius, how could you even do all that? And Harry---" I stood up, still shorter than he, but trying to look as mean as I could "--You. Leave. Harry. Alone."  
  
"Harry? This has nothing to do with Harry! This is between me, you, and the Mop. Moony...I thought that even though I was gone that you wouldn't--I mean, my attempts weren't hopeless, were they?"I heard footsteps approaching. I turned around, both out of fury, sadness, and worry. Sirius was here....He was in front of me and I couldn't say everything I had wanted to say so badly. That he had screwed all of us just so he could have a name on the Dark Side. That he killed James. That it was all his fault, and if he dared touch a hair on Harry's head (no pun intended) that I would have hesitation in sending him back to Azkaban or even to the Dementors. That he killed me just like he killed James and Peter. And that...and that I still loved him...."Remus....Remus, please---talk to me. You don't believe---you don't believe them, do you? It wasn't ME----Remus? Remus, listen! I can explain it all!"  
  
I turned back to him. "What do you mean, Sirius...?"  
  
"I mean that it wasn't me! I mean that it was Peter! Wormtail screwed us all over, not me! I left at the last minute because I thought that Wormtail's supreme love for James would prove strong, that even thought they'd come looking for me they wouldn't find out anything. And Peter-- Peter told them--"  
  
I shook my head. "Dammit, Sirius..."  
  
"I'm telling the truth! Please! Remus, please, PLEASE believe me!"  
  
"Okay, Sirius, then WHY ARE YOU HERE? You AREN'T just here to see me, that was never the case."  
  
" What else!? For Peter! He's here, Moony. He's not in his human form, you know. He may be an idiot, but he's got a good thing going for him right now...I'm sure I can change tha---"  
  
"You've gone insane, just like all the prisoners. And I won't try to trust you any more. I won't lie to myself..." I started to cry again. God, I am pathetic...Sirius saw me and I quickly turned away. He came around to me and wrapped and arm around me, bringing another, embracing me. I opened my eyes and tried to get away, I couldn't stand it anymore. I stopped and dropped my head on his shoulder, sobbing.  
  
"Remus....Please, I beg of you...trust me...believe me... Just this once..." he whispered to me, making me feel so mixed.  
  
"I still love you, Remus....even if you don't love me."  
  
He seemed to disappear and I was left hugging air. He apparated....to where? I don't know... Probably somewhere he could transfigure himself into that big, black dog he always liked....  
  
A very mixed Remus.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I can't get my mind off everything Sirius spoke about. He seemed rather angry with me and yet...so comforting. So...yeilding. He...he can't be telling the truth. Peter is dead, dammit....But it brought a question to my mind...  
  
"Why would Siri ever do this...."  
  
I guess the answer lies in the future...in evidence unfound, lies to be broken...And...And hopefully I can learn the truth about all this?....Hopefully...  
  
On an even heavier note, the full moon is within 1 days...On Christmas night....What a terrible time to have this event take place...Severus promised me he'd get me a present as long as I make him one. "Make him one"? I have no idea what he likes!!....A pet, maybe? ....He'd hate me forever if I gave him more responsiblity :) But then again....it might soften him up, having a little animal in his arms during the many nights he spent alone....  
  
I stood up from my chair and strode out of my office. Since it was the Winter Holidays I figured I could get away with going to Hogsmeade and trying to buy him a furry companion. My head filled with little notions about what to buy him and how he'd react. So many thoughts popped into my head, each as humorous as the next. I finally came to the store, a large stone one with the hanging sign "Frankinsence's Magical Animal Shop" that had a small picture of a dog carved into it's reddish wood. I entered through the door, a small bell chiming as I did so and walked around the store. I spotted many creatures. Small mice and rats with sleek coats, little puppies with all kinds of color fur, owls with shimmering feathers and a rather regal look about them, toads and frogs happily croaking in a small pond at the back, along with many mystical animals I never considered as pets, but looked extremely domestic. I smiled and walked past all these, considering them, but discarding the ideas of Severus having one of each. I at last came to the kittens.  
  
I looked at them, a orange tabby, a white persian, a grey shorthaired, a little rag-doll cat, a British Blue-cream (which looks rather uptight) and at last my eyes rested on one that stood apart from the others. Sitting on the windowsill was a tiny black kitten with forest-green eyes. I smiled at it, and walked up to it, petting it soothingly and looking at it. It seemed perfect! Sevvy would love it! I picked it up and walked to the counter, setting it down. The young witch looked at me.  
  
"Ah, that's Leviathan. He's a cutie, huh?" I nodded, looking affectionately at the small kitten. Leviathan? A sea serpent...Good!!! "Christmas gift?" I nodded once again, smiling. "Ah, well, that'll be 12 Galleons, please." I put the money on the counter and picked up the cat, walking out of the store. When I came back to Hogwarts I sneaked into Severus's chamber and looked around to see if anyone was there, and when it was confirmed that the room was empty I tied a ribbon around the cat's green collar and set it underneath his Christmas tree with a little note on the ribbon stating "To Severus, from your secret admirer", hoping he'd get the joke. I left the room and went back to my own. Merry Christmas Eve!! Remus  
  
Dear ???,  
  
I dunno what to call you. "Diary" seems a bit...I dunno, feminine. I'll think of something.  
  
Anyway, today's the day after Christmas, what James used to call the gloomiest day of the year, since no fun holidays came until Easter. I found it rather exciting, though. Today Severus would come to me and tell me how he liked his present!!  
  
I sneaked around the hallways, trying to keep out of sight in case Severus came by--or, even more on my mind, Sirius still spying on me. I half crawled, half sprinted to Severus's office and turned the handle slowly, creeping into the seemingly abandoned room, searching about for anyone when something small rubbed against my leg. I looked down to find Leviathan. I smiled and picked him up as he purred in my arms.  
  
"He likes you, Secret Admirer," said a voice in my ear. I smiled and closed my eyes as Severus guided me over to the Christmas Tree he kept in the corner of his room. I sat down beside him, next to the fire and garland filled pine tree. I kept my eyes closed as he pushed a medium package into my hands.  
  
"What is i---"  
  
"Open it up and see, Remus."  
  
I grinned and opened my eyes to see a bright red box with little Santas all over it. My grin became even broader as I unwrapped the package, saving the paper as a little memory. ( It was too cute to waste ) I pulled off the top of the lid to find---  
  
New robes and a briefcase. I looked at them and down at my frayed and patched clothes, realising how completely strange I looked. I looked at Severus and he smiled.  
  
"Well? Aren't you going to put them on, Remus? That's what they're meant for, you know.." he said, making me quickly lose that stupid look on my face and forced me to stand up. I wrapped the robe around me, tying the first two knots and leaving the rest untied. I walked to the mirror in his bedroom and turned around, looking at myself. I finally looked like a real Professor, not some raggedy old werewolf. I turned back to face the mirror and saw Severus standing at the doorway. "Lovely, Remus."  
  
I smiled softly and walked to him for a hug.  
  
"So, how did you like your present, Severus?  
  
"Leviathan? He's sweet...and very small. He'll grow right? I keep getting the feeling I'm going to step on him."  
  
I laughed. "Yes, he'll grow. Do you want some cookies? I made some...." and with that we spent the rest of the day together...:)  
  
Remus  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Well, thanks to my friend I realized how terribly sappy this story is. Please forgive me. I just...I hate really sappy stories, and I made one...Eerrgh. Anyhow, I'm gonna try to make the next chapter more REALISTIC...And, about the Lucius thing later---I THINK he was at Hogwarts with the Marauders. If I was mistaken, then--woops! Just fill in the blank, k?  
  
DISCLAIMER: Okay, all of these characters and some of the plot is J.K.Rowlings, who IS your god. None of these characters are mine, although I sorely wish Remmie and Sirius were all my own. *smiles evilly* That'd be fun.  
  
Dear...Frank?  
  
I still cannot think of a name. Ah well, I promise next time I will name you.  
  
ANYWAY, the anti-dementor lessons had begun earlier this evening. As I believe I told you, I promised Harry I would teach him how to use the Patronus incantation so he could ward them off. I asked Professor Dumbledore if it'd be alright for me to teach extracirricular lessons to Harry.  
  
"Well, Remus, I am not so positive I want any dementors within these walls," he told me, his face hardening into a hatred I had not seen before.  
  
"Nor I, sir. I was trying to think of some kind of...er-replacement? Another boggart, prehaps?"  
  
"If you can find one, you are welcome to use it. Maybe you can bring it into whatever classoom you are using? Search hard, though. Those creatures are hard to find."  
  
I nodded, smiling at his acceptance of my idea. I exited his cheerful office and marched past the statue guarding it. When I had reached my first stop, the Staffroom, I immediately set out in search of the Boggart. No luck, even in the dusty old cupboards they never used. I searched everywhere, even daring to sneak into Professor Trelawny's room and ask her, never quite getting an answer from her. I finally came to the office all of us Maruaders feared....  
  
Filch's office.  
  
I snuck in and looked around, noticing that nobody was there. Creeping over to the wardrobe I opened it and looked up and down, searching for any replica of the Full Moon. I saw none, so I moved to the next possible hiding spot. I searched practically everywhere until I came to the filing cabinet. I was close to opening it when a hand lay upon my shoulder. I turned around to see the man himself, Argus Filch. Oh, he and I go way back.  
  
We knew eachother pretty well, not as well as Sirius and he, but still pretty well considering the amount of times I was caught with James and Padfoot. Somehow they always managed to get away with Peter before I got the chance... So he and I er-- came across each other quite often.  
  
Anyhow, I looked up at Filch, who looked down at me. I felt so small under his glare.  
  
"Back for more pranks, Professor?" he spat.  
  
"N-No, sir. I just was looking for--"  
  
"A likely story, you haven't changed since those days you ran around with your little devilish friends, blowing up the kitchens with your fireworks, placing stink pellets in the Great Hall, trying to--"  
  
"Mr.Filch, sir, I was just looking for--"  
  
" Setting fire to the Slytherin's common room--"  
  
"That was a mistake!!" I interrupted, since it really was.  
  
"WHICH YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN AT IN THE FIRST PLACE!"  
  
"..." True, we belonged in Griffindor. But one time James got really angry at Severus and Lucius for making fun of Peter and cursing his books to bite him, not to mention the Slytherins cheating on the last Quidditch game. So, naturally Sirius came up with the idea to do something to them. It took about a week for me to find the password into Slytherin Tower (Beelzebub feet) and on a Friday night we slipped in during Dinner. James had brought some Filibuster Fireworks and a couple of Wizzing Worms into the common room and set some of them under each chair, attached a close-to-bursting packet of water to each Filibuster and set a spell on the Wizzing Worms to be ignited if pressure was applied. Peter arrived late and burst through the portrait-hole, panting from running. He sat down on a chair and...well, you can imagine. Sparks exploding everywhere, a chain reaction of all the fireworks, fire caught the chairs and the room and the wallpaper. We screamed, trying in vain to put it out as the Slytherins entered.... We were immediately sent to Dumbledore who had Filch by his side. We were punished severly for our act, but it was well worth it at the time.  
  
"Sir, I was given permission to look for a boggart to teach one of my 3rd years how to--"  
  
"How to what?"  
  
"If you'll let me finish--" a sudden bang came from the hallway outside and Filch gave me an evil glance before marching out. I sighed and opened the file cabinet. A sudden flash and I saw the full moon hanging in front of me. I performed the normal spell and it turned into a cockroach, one of the things I fear least. Picking up the insect, I sat it in a packaging case I found in his office as well. I walked nonchalantly out of the room and walked to my room, 5 minutes late for my lesson with Harry. I set it unto Professor Binn's desk and begane to take off my cloak.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Another boggart," I replied, smiling slightly that I had finally found one. " I've been combing the castle ever since Tuesday, and very luckily, I found this one lurking inside Mr.Filch's filing cabinet. it's the nearest we'll get to a real dementor. The boggart will turn into a dementor when he sees you, so we'll be able to practice on him. I can store him in my office when we're not using him; there's a cupboard under my desk he'll like."  
  
"Okay," he said, seeming a bit apprehensive.  
  
"So..." I began to explain to Harry the procedure and how hard it might be, but how I had confidence in him.  
  
"Concentrating hard on your happy memory?"  
  
"Oh--yeah---....Expecto patrono--no, patronum--sorry--expecto patronum, expecto patronum..." he said, a small wisp of a Patronus coming out of his wand. "Did you see that!? Something happened!" he said, grinning, making it impossible for me to refuse a smile as well.  
  
"Very good. Right, then--ready to try it on a dementor?"  
  
"Yes..." he said, looking determined as he moved closer to the box. I opened it and a dementor slowly rose from it's abode, making the room dark, the lamps flickering out and causing the classroom to become undeniably cold. Harry's recollection of the dementor was more precise than I thought, causing me to as well have bad memories flood into my mind. "Expecto patronum! Expecto patronum! Expecto---" He stopped suddenly and I saw his eyes cloud and close, Harry began to fall. I rushed and caught him, trying to bring him back to conciousness.  
  
"Harry!"  
  
"...Sorry" he said, opening his eyes as the lamps lit themselves again.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"Yes..." he pulled himself up as he said this and leaned against a desk wearily. He must have heard Lily again...  
  
"Here--" I said, giving him a Chocolate Frog, having them ready knowing he might react like this. "Eat this before we try again. I didn't expect you to do it your first time; in fact, I would have been astounded if you had."  
  
"It's getting worse...I could hear her louder this time....and him-- Voldemort--"  
  
"Harry, if you don't want to continue, I will more than understand--"  
  
"I do!" he said, jumping to his feet and swallowing the rest of the Chocolate Frog, barely chewing it. "I've got to! What if the dementors turn up at our match Ravenclaw? I can't afford to fall off again. If we lose this game we've lost the Quidditch Cup!"  
  
I looked at him, and hesitated. He really wanted this..."All right then... You might want to select another memory, a happy memory, I mean, to concentrate on...That one doesn't seem to have been strong enough..." I waited, sitting on a desk, and gazed at the box. Harry opened his eyes and walked towards the middle of the room again. I jumped up and gripped the lid. "Ready?"  
  
"Ready."  
  
"Go!" I pulled off the lid, the room immediately grew dark and a chill swept over it again. I watched as much as I could in the pitch black all except a small cloud of silver. "Come on Harry, it's working! It's--- Harry!!" Harry had fainted again. I sighed and walked over to him, the light back on and the room warm once more. I woke him up with a couple of taps. "Harry..wake up..."  
  
He sat there for a while and looked up, tears streaming down his face, when he had regained his sense of self he muttered,"I heard my dad...That's the first time I've ever heard him--he tried to take on Voldemort himself, to give my mum time to run for it..." Harry bent down, tying his shoe. It took a while for me to catch that he had heard my deceased friend and his own father....  
  
"You heard James?" I asked, I KNOW that my voice cracked at "James".  
  
"Yeah...Why--you didn't know my dad, did you?"  
  
Eep, deathblow. "I--I did, as a mtter of fact," I said nervously, my voice still cracking. "We were friends at Hogwarts. Listen--Harry--perhaps we should leave it here for tonight. This charm is ridiculously advanced ...I shouldn't have suggested puting you through this..."  
  
"No!" Harry exclaimed, making me jump as he rose to his feet. " I'll have one more go! I'm not thinking of happy enough things, that's what it is....hang on..." I leaned against the desk, hoping he would at last find his very happy memory...I couldn't bear having Harry tortured like this. A minute went by and he came into the spot he had stood in before.  
  
"Ready? Concentrating hard? All right--go!" I pulled off the lid for the 3rd time and watched as Harry stepped forwards.  
  
" EXPECTO PATRONUM! EXPECTO PATRONUM! EXPECTO PATRONUM!" A large silver Patronus erupted from his wand, illuminating the room and making the dementor slowly back away. I grinned and looked back at Harry, whose eyes started to lid and he looked as if he should fall any second. I leaped forwards, allowed myself to produce the Full Moon Boggart and stuffed it back into the packaging case. When is was gone, I looked over at Harry, who sat in a desk wearily.  
  
"Excellent Harry! That was definitely a start!!"  
  
"Can we have another go? Just one more go!?" he asked. I can't believe he wanted to!  
  
"Not now, you've had enough for one night. Here---" I handed him a bar of chocolate. "Eat the lot, or Madam Pomfrey will be after my blood. Same time next week?"  
  
'Okay," Harry replied, smiling slightly. He started to walk out, eating the chocolate while I extinguished the lamps, but turned around as he reached the door. "Professor Lupin? If you knew my dad, you must've known Sirius Black as well."  
  
My ears perked up and I turned around. "What gives you that idea?"  
  
"Nothing---I mean, I just knew they were friends at Hogwarts too..."  
  
I relaxed. "Yes...I knew him. Or I thought I did. You'd better be off, Harry, it's getting late." I turned back around and continued extinguishing the lamps, thinking about the "good ol' days", occasionally looking out the window to see if Sirius was spying on me again, that bastard...  
  
And then I came to write in you, "Frank".  
  
Remus Lupin 


	8. Of Patroni and Butterbeer

Dear ???,  
  
I dunno what to call you. "Diary" seems a bit...I dunno, feminine. I'll think of something.  
  
Anyway, today's the day after Christmas, what James used to call the gloomiest day of the year, since no fun holidays came until Easter. I found it rather exciting, though. Today Severus would come to me and tell me how he liked his present!!  
  
I sneaked around the hallways, trying to keep out of sight in case Severus came by--or, even more on my mind, Sirius still spying on me. I half crawled, half sprinted to Severus's office and turned the handle slowly, creeping into the seemingly abandoned room, searching about for anyone when something small rubbed against my leg. I looked down to find Leviathan. I smiled and picked him up as he purred in my arms.  
  
"He likes you, Secret Admirer," said a voice in my ear. I smiled and closed my eyes as Severus guided me over to the Christmas Tree he kept in the corner of his room. I sat down beside him, next to the fire and garland filled pine tree. I kept my eyes closed as he pushed a medium package into my hands.  
  
"What is i---"  
  
"Open it up and see, Remus."  
  
I grinned and opened my eyes to see a bright red box with little Santas all over it. My grin became even broader as I unwrapped the package, saving the paper as a little memory. ( It was too cute to waste ) I pulled off the top of the lid to find---  
  
New robes and a briefcase. I looked at them and down at my frayed and patched clothes, realising how completely strange I looked. I looked at Severus and he smiled.  
  
"Well? Aren't you going to put them on, Remus? That's what they're meant for, you know.." he said, making me quickly lose that stupid look on my face and forced me to stand up. I wrapped the robe around me, tying the first two knots and leaving the rest untied. I walked to the mirror in his bedroom and turned around, looking at myself. I finally looked like a real Professor, not some raggedy old werewolf. I turned back to face the mirror and saw Severus standing at the doorway. "Lovely, Remus."  
  
I smiled softly and walked to him for a hug.  
  
"So, how did you like your present, Severus?  
  
"Leviathan? He's sweet...and very small. He'll grow right? I keep getting the feeling I'm going to step on him."  
  
I laughed. "Yes, he'll grow. Do you want some cookies? I made some...." and with that we spent the rest of the day together...:)  
  
Remus  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Well, thanks to my friend I realized how terribly sappy this story is. Please forgive me. I just...I hate really sappy stories, and I made one...Eerrgh. Anyhow, I'm gonna try to make the next chapter more REALISTIC...And, about the Lucius thing later---I THINK he was at Hogwarts with the Marauders. If I was mistaken, then--woops! Just fill in the blank, k?  
  
DISCLAIMER: Okay, all of these characters and some of the plot is J.K.Rowlings, who IS your god. None of these characters are mine, although I sorely wish Remmie and Sirius were all my own. *smiles evilly* That'd be fun.  
  
Dear...Frank?  
  
I still cannot think of a name. Ah well, I promise next time I will name you.  
  
ANYWAY, the anti-dementor lessons had begun earlier this evening. As I believe I told you, I promised Harry I would teach him how to use the Patronus incantation so he could ward them off. I asked Professor Dumbledore if it'd be alright for me to teach extracirricular lessons to Harry.  
  
"Well, Remus, I am not so positive I want any dementors within these walls," he told me, his face hardening into a hatred I had not seen before.  
  
"Nor I, sir. I was trying to think of some kind of...er-replacement? Another boggart, prehaps?"  
  
"If you can find one, you are welcome to use it. Maybe you can bring it into whatever classoom you are using? Search hard, though. Those creatures are hard to find."  
  
I nodded, smiling at his acceptance of my idea. I exited his cheerful office and marched past the statue guarding it. When I had reached my first stop, the Staffroom, I immediately set out in search of the Boggart. No luck, even in the dusty old cupboards they never used. I searched everywhere, even daring to sneak into Professor Trelawny's room and ask her, never quite getting an answer from her. I finally came to the office all of us Maruaders feared....  
  
Filch's office.  
  
I snuck in and looked around, noticing that nobody was there. Creeping over to the wardrobe I opened it and looked up and down, searching for any replica of the Full Moon. I saw none, so I moved to the next possible hiding spot. I searched practically everywhere until I came to the filing cabinet. I was close to opening it when a hand lay upon my shoulder. I turned around to see the man himself, Argus Filch. Oh, he and I go way back.  
  
We knew eachother pretty well, not as well as Sirius and he, but still pretty well considering the amount of times I was caught with James and Padfoot. Somehow they always managed to get away with Peter before I got the chance... So he and I er-- came across each other quite often.  
  
Anyhow, I looked up at Filch, who looked down at me. I felt so small under his glare.  
  
"Back for more pranks, Professor?" he spat.  
  
"N-No, sir. I just was looking for--"  
  
"A likely story, you haven't changed since those days you ran around with your little devilish friends, blowing up the kitchens with your fireworks, placing stink pellets in the Great Hall, trying to--"  
  
"Mr.Filch, sir, I was just looking for--"  
  
" Setting fire to the Slytherin's common room--"  
  
"That was a mistake!!" I interrupted, since it really was.  
  
"WHICH YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN AT IN THE FIRST PLACE!"  
  
"..." True, we belonged in Griffindor. But one time James got really angry at Severus and Lucius for making fun of Peter and cursing his books to bite him, not to mention the Slytherins cheating on the last Quidditch game. So, naturally Sirius came up with the idea to do something to them. It took about a week for me to find the password into Slytherin Tower (Beelzebub feet) and on a Friday night we slipped in during Dinner. James had brought some Filibuster Fireworks and a couple of Wizzing Worms into the common room and set some of them under each chair, attached a close-to-bursting packet of water to each Filibuster and set a spell on the Wizzing Worms to be ignited if pressure was applied. Peter arrived late and burst through the portrait-hole, panting from running. He sat down on a chair and...well, you can imagine. Sparks exploding everywhere, a chain reaction of all the fireworks, fire caught the chairs and the room and the wallpaper. We screamed, trying in vain to put it out as the Slytherins entered.... We were immediately sent to Dumbledore who had Filch by his side. We were punished severly for our act, but it was well worth it at the time.  
  
"Sir, I was given permission to look for a boggart to teach one of my 3rd years how to--"  
  
"How to what?"  
  
"If you'll let me finish--" a sudden bang came from the hallway outside and Filch gave me an evil glance before marching out. I sighed and opened the file cabinet. A sudden flash and I saw the full moon hanging in front of me. I performed the normal spell and it turned into a cockroach, one of the things I fear least. Picking up the insect, I sat it in a packaging case I found in his office as well. I walked nonchalantly out of the room and walked to my room, 5 minutes late for my lesson with Harry. I set it unto Professor Binn's desk and begane to take off my cloak.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Another boggart," I replied, smiling slightly that I had finally found one. " I've been combing the castle ever since Tuesday, and very luckily, I found this one lurking inside Mr.Filch's filing cabinet. it's the nearest we'll get to a real dementor. The boggart will turn into a dementor when he sees you, so we'll be able to practice on him. I can store him in my office when we're not using him; there's a cupboard under my desk he'll like."  
  
"Okay," he said, seeming a bit apprehensive.  
  
"So..." I began to explain to Harry the procedure and how hard it might be, but how I had confidence in him.  
  
"Concentrating hard on your happy memory?"  
  
"Oh--yeah---....Expecto patrono--no, patronum--sorry--expecto patronum, expecto patronum..." he said, a small wisp of a Patronus coming out of his wand. "Did you see that!? Something happened!" he said, grinning, making it impossible for me to refuse a smile as well.  
  
"Very good. Right, then--ready to try it on a dementor?"  
  
"Yes..." he said, looking determined as he moved closer to the box. I opened it and a dementor slowly rose from it's abode, making the room dark, the lamps flickering out and causing the classroom to become undeniably cold. Harry's recollection of the dementor was more precise than I thought, causing me to as well have bad memories flood into my mind. "Expecto patronum! Expecto patronum! Expecto---" He stopped suddenly and I saw his eyes cloud and close, Harry began to fall. I rushed and caught him, trying to bring him back to conciousness.  
  
"Harry!"  
  
"...Sorry" he said, opening his eyes as the lamps lit themselves again.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"Yes..." he pulled himself up as he said this and leaned against a desk wearily. He must have heard Lily again...  
  
"Here--" I said, giving him a Chocolate Frog, having them ready knowing he might react like this. "Eat this before we try again. I didn't expect you to do it your first time; in fact, I would have been astounded if you had."  
  
"It's getting worse...I could hear her louder this time....and him-- Voldemort--"  
  
"Harry, if you don't want to continue, I will more than understand--"  
  
"I do!" he said, jumping to his feet and swallowing the rest of the Chocolate Frog, barely chewing it. "I've got to! What if the dementors turn up at our match Ravenclaw? I can't afford to fall off again. If we lose this game we've lost the Quidditch Cup!"  
  
I looked at him, and hesitated. He really wanted this..."All right then... You might want to select another memory, a happy memory, I mean, to concentrate on...That one doesn't seem to have been strong enough..." I waited, sitting on a desk, and gazed at the box. Harry opened his eyes and walked towards the middle of the room again. I jumped up and gripped the lid. "Ready?"  
  
"Ready."  
  
"Go!" I pulled off the lid, the room immediately grew dark and a chill swept over it again. I watched as much as I could in the pitch black all except a small cloud of silver. "Come on Harry, it's working! It's--- Harry!!" Harry had fainted again. I sighed and walked over to him, the light back on and the room warm once more. I woke him up with a couple of taps. "Harry..wake up..."  
  
He sat there for a while and looked up, tears streaming down his face, when he had regained his sense of self he muttered,"I heard my dad...That's the first time I've ever heard him--he tried to take on Voldemort himself, to give my mum time to run for it..." Harry bent down, tying his shoe. It took a while for me to catch that he had heard my deceased friend and his own father....  
  
"You heard James?" I asked, I KNOW that my voice cracked at "James".  
  
"Yeah...Why--you didn't know my dad, did you?"  
  
Eep, deathblow. "I--I did, as a mtter of fact," I said nervously, my voice still cracking. "We were friends at Hogwarts. Listen--Harry--perhaps we should leave it here for tonight. This charm is ridiculously advanced ...I shouldn't have suggested puting you through this..."  
  
"No!" Harry exclaimed, making me jump as he rose to his feet. " I'll have one more go! I'm not thinking of happy enough things, that's what it is....hang on..." I leaned against the desk, hoping he would at last find his very happy memory...I couldn't bear having Harry tortured like this. A minute went by and he came into the spot he had stood in before.  
  
"Ready? Concentrating hard? All right--go!" I pulled off the lid for the 3rd time and watched as Harry stepped forwards.  
  
" EXPECTO PATRONUM! EXPECTO PATRONUM! EXPECTO PATRONUM!" A large silver Patronus erupted from his wand, illuminating the room and making the dementor slowly back away. I grinned and looked back at Harry, whose eyes started to lid and he looked as if he should fall any second. I leaped forwards, allowed myself to produce the Full Moon Boggart and stuffed it back into the packaging case. When is was gone, I looked over at Harry, who sat in a desk wearily.  
  
"Excellent Harry! That was definitely a start!!"  
  
"Can we have another go? Just one more go!?" he asked. I can't believe he wanted to!  
  
"Not now, you've had enough for one night. Here---" I handed him a bar of chocolate. "Eat the lot, or Madam Pomfrey will be after my blood. Same time next week?"  
  
'Okay," Harry replied, smiling slightly. He started to walk out, eating the chocolate while I extinguished the lamps, but turned around as he reached the door. "Professor Lupin? If you knew my dad, you must've known Sirius Black as well."  
  
My ears perked up and I turned around. "What gives you that idea?"  
  
"Nothing---I mean, I just knew they were friends at Hogwarts too..."  
  
I relaxed. "Yes...I knew him. Or I thought I did. You'd better be off, Harry, it's getting late." I turned back around and continued extinguishing the lamps, thinking about the "good ol' days", occasionally looking out the window to see if Sirius was spying on me again, that bastard...  
  
And then I came to write in you, "Frank".  
  
Remus Lupin  
  
Dear Milo,  
  
(I always liked that name!) Not much happened since last I wrote in you..yes, 2 weeks of NOTHING..... Severus has been busy, no sign of Padfoot, and classes have been quite normal. Nothing eventful... I found Leviathan near the lake. I wonder why Severus isn't taking care of him? Is he that busy that he won't even---sorry... But, I should be going now. Classes.  
  
Remus  
  
Dear....?  
  
I don't think Milo fits a diary. Should I just call you diary? I dunno.....It'll come to me soon. (I'd hate to see me trying to name my child!!(if I ever have one...doubtful, in my state) :p)  
  
Today was the fourth anti-dementor lesson, YES, it has been 2 weeks since last I wrote in you about the un-diary-worthy events. But, hey, I have some things to do as well! Alas, Harry hasn't quite gotten the hang of conjuring a Patronus yet. But we still have some time until the match against Ravenclaw. This lesson Harry was doing much better, but after a couple of tries, he just got discouraged and sat down.  
  
"You're expecting too much of yourself. For a thirteen-year-old wizard, even an indistinct Patronus is a huge acheivement. You aren't passing out any more, are you?" I said, smiling slightly.  
  
"I thought a Patronus would--charge the dementors down or something....Make them disappear--"  
  
"The true Patronus does do that. But you've acheived a great deal in a very short space of time. If the dementors put in an appearance at your next Quidditch match, you will be able to keep them at bay long enough to get back to the ground."  
  
"You said it's harder if there are loads of them," replied Harry, seeming as if he still thought it impossible.  
  
"I have complete confidence in you," I said, trying to be comforting. I was struck with the few bottles of Butterbeer I held within my briefcase. "Here- -you've earned a drink--something from the Three Broomsticks. You won't have tried it before--"  
  
"Butterbeer!" Harry said, grinning as I pulled two bottles out. "Yeah, I like that stuff!" I raised an eyebrow. So, Harry HAD taken after James; he wasn't allowed into Hogsmeade, he must've worn the Invisibilty cloak...but how did he know the entrance int--"Oh---Ron and Hermione brought me some back from Hogsmeade."  
  
"Is see..." I replied slowly, still thinking, but quickly forgot about it. "Well--let's drink to a Gryffindor victory against Ravenclaw!--Not that I'm supposed to take sides, as a teacher..." I trailed off and we drank quietly until Harry popped up with an interesting question.  
  
"What's under a dementor's hood?"  
  
"Hmm....well, the only people who really know are in no condition to tell us. You see, the dementor lowers its hood only to use its last and worst weapon."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
I smiled a bit, thinking about it. I don't exactly know why, morbid sense of humor, I suppose. "They call it the Dementor's Kiss. It's what dementors do when they wish to destroy utterly. I suppose there must be some kind of mouth under there, because they clamp their jaws upon the mouth of the victim and---and suck out his soul." I bit my lip, I was thinking of Sirius...he would be the next one to have that happen, if they caught him--  
  
Harry spat out his butterbeer. "What--the kill--?"  
  
"Oh no, much worse than that. You can exist without your soul, you know, as long as your brain and heart are still working. But you'll have no sense of self anymore, no memory, no...anything. There's no chance at all of recovering. You'll just exist. As an empty shell. And your soul is gone forever...lost..." I paused, drank a little more out of my bottle, and continued," It's the fate that awaits Sirius Black. It was in the Daily Prophet this morning. The ministry has given the dementors permission to perform it if they find him."  
  
Harry sat there for a while, apparently contemplating it all. I frowned and looked down until he spoke again. "He deserves it."  
  
"You think so? Do you really think anyone deserves that?"  
  
"Yes," he replied, a bit downcast perhaps. I shouldn't have brought up Sirius. Poor Harry..."For...for some things." He obviously knew all about it, huh? He left the room a bit later, and I left a bit after that, my head overflowing with semi-depressing thoughts once more. My heart dropped at the idea of Sirius's soul...sucked out....But, was Harry right? He did perform some terrible acts...betrayal, murder, dishonesty....Nobody deserved that, though....  
  
Remus...  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I suppose I shall just call you Diary, no matter how plain it might be. Today was the Quidditch match of Gryffindor Vs. Ravenclaw! It was great! Maybe even better than that one match of Ravenclaw Vs. Slytherin in our 6th year, heh. Anyway, it started off with the Weasley twins' friend, Lee Jordan, giving a funny commentary about Harry's new broom, a Firebolt that all the Quidditch players, and most other students and some teachers were drooling over. I must admit, it was a lovely broom. Once Professor McGonagall became annoyed with him he began to comment on the game....Which I can barely remember. It went so fast, brooms soaring back and forth, colored robes flashing brilliantly in the sun, and Bludgers clumsily knocking people around while the Quaffle was passed from player to player, a small golden Snitch glimmering in the corner of the stadium. Harry rushed towards it, with the 4th year Cho Chang (quite a nice girl, I must admit) flew after him. I almost stood up to see what'd happen, but I kept my seating. Suddenly a trio of, seemingly, dementors charged onto the field. I finally stood up, seeing that Harry as well had spotted them. A large Patronus erupted from Harry's wand, knocking over the three dementors. I rushed out of the Staff Box and down the steps onto the field with Professor McGonagall. The game had ended, Gryffindor had won.  
  
I looked over at the three 'dementors' to see that they were, in fact, Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle. I smiled slightly and walked up to Harry, who was surrounded by a crowd of people congratulating him.  
  
"That was quite some Patronus."  
  
Harry turned around, grinning. "The dementors didn't affect me at all! I didn't feel a thing!"  
  
"That would be because they--er--weren't dementors," I replied, laughing mildly. "Come and see--" I lead him over to the heap of black cloth and the three pretenders as McGonagall came over, shouting in a furious rage. I shrugged, smiling.  
  
Later on I walked over to Severus's office, having not spoken to him for more than 2 minutes in almost 6 weeks, I thought I should pay a visit.  
  
"Severus?...may I come in?"  
  
"Remus?...Yeah, go ahead. Door's open..."  
  
I walked in and shut the door behind me, looking at him as he was pouring over papers. I had never seen him so studious, so absorbed into something he did for work. Usually he shunned it.  
  
"Close the door."  
  
"I already have." I walked around the stacks of papers and sat down in the chair in front of his desk.  
  
"...sit down."  
  
"I just did, Severus."  
  
"...Oh." He didn't look up from his work.  
  
"Something wrong, Severus? You've been a bit...distant and I haven't seen you for a while. I was starting to think tha--"  
  
"I've been busy, Remus, what do you think I was doing?" He stood up and put a book back on the engraved snake-like shelf, came back to his desk and started to organize his room. I stood up and started to walk out...he didn't even notice I was gone.  
  
Remus 


	9. Farewell, my beloved snake

Author's Note: The end of all the fluffiness between Severus (eech!) and Remus (mmmm) is to be seen. If you are saying right now "What? CRAP! YOU SUCK! YOU JUST TOLD ME!" then look directly down. Go on, just read the first line of his entry for today. Now, was it really such a crime? yeah, I thought so.  
  
HAPPY HALLOWEEN--in 2 days!  
  
DISCLAIMER: Okay, all of these characters and some of the plot is J.K.Rowlings, who IS your god. None of these characters are mine, although I sorely wish Remmie and Sirius were all my own. *smiles evilly* That'd be fun.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Well, Severus and I sorta--broke up, I guess you'd say. Today was the last Hogsmeade day of the year and I was busy finding a new monster that I could either find or order. I at last settled on a Shaitan, a demon from the Arabian deserts that can shape-shift into just about anything. Disgustingly enough, their idea of a feast is anything that has heaps of dirt upon them, and often they would devour hands that have not been cleaned before slumber, reducing them to bloody stumps. I suppose I should ask Professor Flitwick about any water charms, since that repels them...  
  
So, going more along the lines of Severus and I...egh...  
  
Well, seeing at today most of the students were gone, I was quite happily working when I heard a sudden shout of anger in my fireplace.  
  
"Lupin!" the fireplace called. I stood up and looked around the empty hearth and heard another shout. "I want a word!" Ah, it was Snape. I shrugged and grabbed some floo powder, sending myself to his office. I stumbled out of the fire and brushed off the ash, deciding at that time that I should wear my old robes. Smart idea, Remus...  
  
"You called, Severus?"  
  
"I certainly did," he replied angrily, striding back to his desk quicky and pointing at a seemingly normal piece of parchment. Then I saw--" I have just asked Potter to empty his pockets. He was carrying this." The Marauder's Map...with our secret spell on it! Oh no...I quickly looked at the writing we bewitched into the map, should Severus ever see it.  
  
"Mr.Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business." Oh dear...I wrote that!!  
  
"Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr.Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git" James had written this....  
  
"Mr.Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor." Sirius...he desperately dispised Snape.  
  
"Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball." Peter, poor Peter...rather witty, however, for his character.  
  
"Well?" he asked impatiently, snapping me out of my gaze. I was suddenly brought into my hurried thoughts of what to say, what to reply with when he spoke once more. "Well?" he asked again. "This parchment is plainly full of Dark Magic. This is supposed to be your area of expertise, Lupin. Where do you imagine Potter got such a thing?" Clearly he was implying about Sirius making the map, and my incompetance as a teacher...He really knew how to hurt a guy.  
  
I quickly looked at Harry, warning him not to say anything. "Full of Dark Magic? Do you really think so, Severus? It looks to me as though it is merely a piece of parchment that insults anybody who reads it. Childish, but surely not dangerous? I imagine Harry got it from a joke shop--"  
  
"Indeed?" Severus said through clenched teeth. He was almost frightening when angry, really. "You think a joke shop could supply him with such a thing? You don't think it more likely that he got it directly from the manufacturers?"  
  
"You mean, by Mr.Wormtail or one of these people?" I said calmly, turning to Harry. "Harry, do you know any of these men?"  
  
"No," responded Harry quite quickly.  
  
"You see, Severus? Looks like a Zonko product to me---"  
  
Suddenly Ron burt into the office, panting and walking up to Severus's desk, clutching his chest. I smiled a bit at the irony of all this.  
  
"I--gave--Harry--that--stuff," Ron panted, choking a bit. "Bought--it..in Zonkos...ages--ago." he at last finished the sentance and almost collapsed to the floor if Harry hadn't walked up to steady him.  
  
"Well!" I said after a moment of silence, clapping my hands together cheerfully. "That seems to clear that up! Severus, I'll take this back shall I?" I reached for the map and rolled it up, sticking it inside my dilapidated robes and turning to Harry and Ron, lowering my voice. "Harry, Ron, come with me, I need a word about my vampire essay--Excuse us, Severus."  
  
I led them to the Entrance Hall before I dared speak to them. Harry dropped his shoulders as I turned to him.  
  
''Professor, I--"  
  
"I don't want to hear explanations," I replied half-angrily. I crouched down after seeing that nobody was there and lowered my voice to barely a whisper. "I happen to know that this map was confiscated by Mr.Filch many years ago." I saw Harry and Ron look at me with renewed surprise. "Yes, I know it's a map. I don't want to know how it fell into your possession. I am, however, astounded that you didn't hand it in. Particularly after what happened last time a student left information about the castle lying around." True, Peter had left the map for everyone who might have been going to Astronomy to see...and one boy, Kevin Grummings (who was rather er- -stout) got caught in the passage to Honeydukes, took them a day to figure out where he was...Luckily they didn't know who wrote the map, but did know it was the map that led him into the tunnel. "And I can't let you have it back, Harry."  
  
Harry seemed to understand. "Why did Snape think I'd got it from the manufacturers?"  
  
"Because.." I thought about the right thing to say...ans came up with it, "because these mapmakers would have wanted to lure you out of the school. They'd think it extremely entertaining."  
  
"Do you know them?" Harry said, impressed.  
  
"We've met," I siad, looking at him more seriously than I ever did, trying to tell him everything I wanted to say, but couldn't. "Don't expect me to cover up for you again, Harry. I cannot make you take Sirius Black seriously." I stopped for a second, about to say 'no pun intended' but I knew that'd take away the effect of what I was trying to say. " But I would have thought what you have heard when the dementors draw near you would have had more of an effect on you. Your parents gave their lives to keep you alive, Harry. A poor way to repay them--gambling their sacrifice for a bag of magic tricks." I straightened up and marched away back to Severus's office. When I had got there Severus was standing at the doorway.  
  
"Severus--"I began.  
  
"'Mr.Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.'?" he said, slapping the doorway furiously and stomping to his fire.  
  
"Severus, that was in school! We were enemies then, remember?'' I tried to console him.  
  
"Uh huh...And what are we now? Lovers? Friends? Collegues? Enemies? Take your pick, although I am quite sure I know the truth," he said coldly.  
  
"Oh, please, Severus! Don't be so--"  
  
"Don't call me ridiculous." He twitched a bit.  
  
"No,but--"  
  
"It just isn't working out is it? Maybe you should go back to your little doggy, help him into the castle once more, Harry would love to see the man who killed his parents. I'm sure he'd love to see the man who he thought was a friend--a mentor, even, betray him."  
  
I sighed. "I am not helping Sirius into the castle, Severus!"  
  
"Get out of here, Lupin. Your very presence disgusts me."  
  
I shook my head and walked out.  
  
"Thanks a whole bunch, Severus." Remus  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I don't suppose you have any idea how weird I feel. Funny thing is, neither do I. I mean--I do feel rather bad...but at the same time gratified to be away from him, to not feel for him and have my feelings be nothing to him. I know I sound very selfish saying all this...But I just don't know how to say it correctly...  
  
I loved him, yes. I shall admit that. But...I don't know, it just seems he grew tired of me. I really am worthless....a dishonest werewolf full of depressing memories and---Dammit...I am still so angry with myself...for...everything. For betraying Dumbledore so long ago...for allowing myself to still think about Sirius..WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT SIRIUS? Why do I long for his presence--Why? Am I completely hopeless? I...hate myself. I hate everything about me... And yet...I should shut up, sorry Diary. I guess I shall leave you with my signature.  
  
Remus.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Today I began the exams--oh dear, I almost forgot. It has been at least a month since last I wrote in you!!! Let me fill you in...  
  
Nothing between Snape and I has become resolved...in fact he's a bit more bitter to me than the beginning of the year. But it's a er--welcome change, I suppose....Anyhow, to get along with matters, Gryffindor has won the Quidditch Cup against Slytherin. I heard it was quite a game--however I was- -er--ill....Let me continue. I was told that Sirius had in fact entered the castle once more...a long time ago, in fact, and tried to murder Ron Weasley! Why would he--maybe he found the wrong boy? Or...Ron did have a rat on him...could it be---No. Shut up, Remus.  
  
Back to the exams--They have gone wonderfully! I brought the test outside, so they could use it on the Red Caps when they got to them. First they had to manuever through a deep pool with a grindylow, move onto rows of Red Cap filled holes, and discover the way out of a marsh whilst being directed by a Hinkypunk, finally ending in a trunk with a boggart I still had from the Patronus lessons. Hermione, quite ironically, did not quite finish. She reached the boggart and it became Professor McGonagall, who told her she had failed every subject. She was sobbing and it took a while to get her back together, but I still gave her full marks, knowing she would have done well even still. After that had happened the next class came, and one girl named Jeanne Hyjinx got lost in the swamp containing the Hinkypunk, took us about an hour to find her...Eh heh.  
  
Remus 


	10. The encounter WITH SIRIUS! YAY!

Author's Note: This is it, the big Chapter. I might even have to split it up into two chapters...J.K. Rowling split it into 3. Do you know what I am talking about? Oh yeah, I have been waiting a while to write this one. For those of you who haven't read the book and are moving to this chapter (C'mon, it's a great book, guys!!) note that I mostly quote the dialog and some of the movements, so this will result in much spoilers. I will try to keep it so I am not just stating what the book says, so i will put the normal feelings on everything, my own take on his movements, and thoughts. I really hope you guys enjoy this, because afterwards I only have one more chapter to write and then it's bye-bye, Remmie. But I'm gonna continue some Sirius/Remus stuff in another fic I have already started to write, "Lie low at Lupin's for awhile". I think you can guess. Well---ENJOY!..even if it takes you 2 hours!  
  
DISCLAIMER: Okay, all of these characters and some of the plot is J.K.Rowlings, who IS your god. None of these characters are mine, although I sorely wish Remmie and Sirius were all my own. *smiles evilly* That'd be fun.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Oh..my...god. There is no word to describe tonight...so I suppose I shall tell of what happened. It might be a bit long...I hope I have enough paper. Well, to get along with it--maybe save some time-- I was in my office looking over the papers I needed to correct before the end of the term. Once I had gotten to near the end of the pile I came across-very fortunately, I might add- the old Marauder's Map. I tapped it with my wand and looked over the grounds in the way that only we could see it, it's full potential. I grinned, looking over the secret passages, the place where we all signed our names, and I finally spotted a small dot labeled Harry Potter, followed by two more dots that were named Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger. I looked closer to see they were walking to Hagrid's hut, most likely to console him over his terrible loss... Twenty minutes later they left the hut and were accompanied by none other than--  
  
A small dot labelled Peter Pettigrew.  
  
I caught my breath as I watched them, slowly moving across the grounds as another dot collided with the miniscule Ron. Sirius Black had caught up with them. He pulled Peter and Ron into the Whomping Willow and then Hermione and Harry followed soon after. I jumped from my seat and ran out of the castle, trying to get to the Whomping Willow. When I had reached the horrific tree I stopped dead and looked around for the knot that you could push and get through unscathed. Once I had gotten in I heard a shout from the floor above me.  
  
"WE'RE UP HERE! WE'RE UP HERE--SIRIUS BLACK--QUICK!!!"  
  
I darted up the stairs and looked around with my wand raised, instantly calling out "Expelliarmus!" and catching the wands I had gotten, and strode into the room, staring intently at Sirius, who had--a cat on him?  
  
"Where is he, Sirius?" I asked, looking at Sirius as he looked back at me with a sunken face...even dirtier than he was when last I saw him. Harry and Ron looked a me like I was crazy. Suddenly a wave of understanding came over me. "But then....why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless--- unless he was the one..unless you switched...without telling me?  
  
Sirius just nodded.  
  
"Professor--" Harry began as I pulled Padfoot to his feet and embraced the frail skeleton of what to be my dear Sirius. Hermione gasped and I quickly let go.  
  
"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!" Hermione shouted shrilly. "You--you---" Oh shit, she had just figured me out. Well....  
  
"Hermione---"  
  
"--you and him!" she continued. Oh dear, I mean--...Oh, I suppose I can't hide from them that I loved Sirius...  
  
"Hermione, calm down--"  
  
"I didn't tell anyone! I've been covering up for you!"  
  
"Hermione, listen to me, please!" I exclaimed firmly. "I can explain--" Had she caught us in that deserted old room? I thought she'd have told the authorities....But why would she let it out now if she knew?  
  
"I trusted you," Harry screamed, I could hear him shaking, "and all this time you've been his friend!"  
  
"You're wrong. I haven't been Sirius's friend, but I am now--let me explain." Well, I don't think they knew about Sirius and I and our--er-- history--but that means they--  
  
"NO! Harry, don't trust him, he's been helping Black get into the castle, he wants you dead too--he's a werewolf!!!!"  
  
Silence suddenly broke out, I could feel what little color in my skin leave and I bit my lip, chucking mildly. "Not at all up to your usual standard, Hermione. Only one out of the three, I'm afraid. I have not been helping Sirius into the castle, and I certainly do not want Harry dead..." I shivered and gulped. "But I won't deny the fact that I am a werewolf."  
  
I heard a groan of pain as Ron tried to stand back up, but fell back onto the ground rather hardly. I attempted to help him, but...  
  
"Get away from me, werewolf!"  
  
I froze, everything returning to me. Taunts from cousins, schoolmates, and even my parents and grandparents all coming back to haunt me. And now--- ...I understood how he must feel. I am a beast...  
  
"How long have you known?" I replied, turning solemly to Hermione.  
  
"Ages," she said quietly. "Since I did Professor Snape's essay..."  
  
That sorta made me smile morbidly. "He'll be delighted. He assigned that essay hoping someone would realize what my symptoms meant...Did you check the lunar chart and realize that I was always ill at the full moon? or did you realize that the boggart changed into the moon when it saw me?" I asked as coolly as I could, almost mocking my own stupidty at allowing such and easy clue to get into my most prized students, ones as such that I almost considered as friends, or at least great acquaintances. I had lost pretty much all hope now, I was nothing. Soon they'd all know...  
  
"Both," Hermione whispered, looking down a bit. Sirius looked over at me and then down at the floor when I forced a meek laugh. He looked up again.  
  
" You're the cleverest witch of your age I've ever met, Hermione."  
  
"I'm not. If I'd been a bit cleverer, I'd have told everyone what you are!" she said coldly, making me wince a bit.  
  
"But they already know...At least the staff do."  
  
"Dumbledore hired you when he knew you were a werewolf?" gasped Ron from the bed. "Is he mad?"  
  
"Some of the staff thought so. He had to work very hard to convince certain teachers that I'm trustworthy--"  
  
"AND HE WAS WRONG!" shrieked Harry, making me remember he was there, and where I was. "YOU'VE BEEN HELPING HIM ALL THE TIME!" he shouted, pointing at Sirius, who walked to the bed and sat on it, shaking with his face in a hand. I sighed and shook my head. Sirius....  
  
"I have not been helping Sirius. If you'll give me a chance, I'll explain. Look---" I threw back Harry, Hermione, and Ron's wands to their owners and put my own away. 'There, you're armed and we're not. Now will you listen?"  
  
Harry just looked at me with the utmost hatred. "If you haven't been helping him," he shifted his furious eyes to Sirius and then back to me, "how did you know he was here?"  
  
"The map. The Marauder's Map. I was in my office examining it," I replied simply. I then got into the story about it, finally coming to the part where I saw Peter with them. Ron, however, was quite sure that "Scabbers" was indeed only a rat.  
  
"Do you think I could have a look at the rat?" I asked Ron.  
  
"What?" he responded weakly, looking at me with squinted eyes. "What's Scabbers got to do with it?"  
  
"Everything," I half-snorted. "Could I see him please?" Ron sat still for a moment, then slowly dug into his robes and pulled out--who would have guessed it--Wormtail. A slightly anorexic looking rat, his ribs making little ridges in his matted fur as he squeaked madly in Ron's had, his tail and claws thrashing at everything it could get at. Obviously Mr.Wormtail knew the circumstances of the time and place he was at.  
  
"What? What's my rat got to do with anything?!" he reiterated.  
  
"That's not a rat," Sirius interrupted hoarsely.  
  
"What d'you mean--of course he's a rat--" Ron said incredously.  
  
"No, he's not. He's a wizard."  
  
"An Animagus, by the name of Peter Pettigrew," croaked Sirius. I bit my lip, still looking at the rat, trying to make sure that we were, in fact, getting the correct rat. Then I reminded myself of the Map, and I knew it for sure. Everything made sense now, everything seemed to fit into place--  
  
"You're both mental," Ron sneered.  
  
"Ridiculous!" agreed Hermione weakly.  
  
"Peter Pettigrew's dead!! He killed him twelve years ago!" Harry shouted, pointing again at Sirius...whose face convulsed and twitched.  
  
"I meant to, but little Peter got the better of me.." he growled, once again becoming quite like his animal form, a large black dog. He bared his teeth furiously. "Not this time though!!!" Sirius pounced on Ron, trying to get at Wormtail as Ron screamed in excruciating pain as he did so.  
  
"Sirius, NO!" I yelled, trying to get him away from Ron,"WAIT! You can't just do it like that--they need to understand--we've got to explian--"  
  
"We can explain afterwards!" he snarled, still trying to rip at the rat, who had began to squeal even more loudly.  
  
"They've--got--a--right--to--know--everything!" I panted, trying to get him to calm down, underestimating his strength. "Ron's kept him as a pet! There are parts of it even I don't understand! And Harry--You owe Harry the truth, Sirius!!" Once Sirius agreed, I began to tell my story, the beginning of it all. The truth of how it all began...how much it was my fault. I told them about the bite, how Dumbledore conceded to let me into Hogwarts, the terms, my friends, the Animagi-self-lessons, and finally-- Severus.  
  
"Allt his year I have been battling with myself, wondering if I should tell Dumbledore that Sirius was an Animagus. But I didn't do it. Why? Because I was too cowardly. It would have meant admitting that i'd betrayed his trust while I was at school, admitting that I had lead others along with me...and Dumbledore's trust has meant everything to me. He let me into Hogwarts as a boy, and he gave me job when I have been shunned all my adult life, unable to find paid work because of what I am. And so i convinced myself that Sirius was getting into the school using dark arts he learned from Voldemort, that being an Animagus had nothing to do with it...so, in a way, Snape's been right about me all along."  
  
"Snape" Sirius sneered, looking at me and raising his eyebrows half- mockingly and half-suggesting. "What's Snape got to do with it?"  
  
"He's here, Sirius. He's teaching here as well." What, did Sirius think I just found him somewhere and immediately fell in love? No...it was chance that we came together...Definitely not luck. "Professor Snape was at school with us. He fought very hard against my appointment to the Defense Against the Dark Arts job. He has been telling Dumbledore all year that I am not to be trusted. He has his reasons...you see, Sirius here played a trick on him which nearly killed him, a trick which involved me--"  
  
"It served him right," Sirius intervened coldly. "Sneaking around, trying to find out what we were up to...hoping he could get us expelled."  
  
"Severus was very interested in hwhere I went every month. We were in the same year, you know and we--er--didn't like each other very much." I couldn't possibly tell them about Sirius, Severus, and I. No way. "He especially disliked James. Jealous, I think, of James's talent on the Quidditch field...anyway, Snape had seen me crossing the grounds with Madam Pomfrey one evening as she led me toward the Whomping Willow to transform. Sirius thought it'd be--er--amusing, to tell Snape all he had to do was prod the knot on the tree trunk with a long stick and he's be able to get in after me. Well, of course, Snape tried it--if he'd got as far as this house, he'd have met a fully grown werewolf--but your gather, who'd heard what Sirius had done, went after Snape and pulld him back, at a great risk to his life...Snape glimpsed me, though, at the end of the tunnel. He was forbidden by Dumbledore to tell anybody, but from that time on he knew what I was..."  
  
"So that's why Snape doesn't like you," Harry said, understanding at last. "Because he thought you were in on the joke?''  
  
"That's right," a cold voice said, making me jump and turn around to see Severus Snape pull off an Invisibility Cloak and point his wand at me. Sirius jumped to his feet and was eyeing possible places for daggers on Snape's body.  
  
"I found this at the base of the Whomping Willow," Snape said, tossing aside the cloak, still smirking and keeping the wand steady at my chest. 'Very useful, Potter, I thank you...You're wondering, perhaps, how I knew you were here? I've just been to your office, Lupin. You forgot to take your potion tonight, so I took a gobletful along. And very lucky I did... lucky for me, I mean. Lying on your desk was a certain map. One glance at it told me all I needed to know. I saw you running along this passageway and out of sight."  
  
My heart dropped. I had forgot to wipe the map clean in my hurry to come to the tree, fool that I am. But if he had seen the map...wouldn't he have caught the dot labelled "Peter Pettigrew"?  
  
"Severus--"I began.  
  
"I've told the headmaster again and again that you're helping your old friend Black into the castle, Lupin, and here's the proof," Severus said, every now and then emphasizing his point by poking my chest with his wand. "Not even I dreamed you would have the nerve to use this old place as your hideout--"  
  
"Severus, you're making a mistake," I replied, trying to reason with him. "You haven't heard everything--I can explain--Sirius is not here to kill Harry--"  
  
"Two more for Azkaban tonight," he responded madly, his eyes gleaming. I lost my breath at the words, he'd send Sirius back to the Dementors.... "I shall be interested to see how Dumbledore takes this...he was quite convinced you were harmless, you know, Lupin...a tame werewolf--"  
  
"You fool. Is a schoolboy grudge worth putting an innocent man back inside Azkaban?" I asked softly of him, but to no avail did my response come. An instant later his face twitched with fury and cords wrapped themselves around me, causing me to fall and lose all hearing of what happened. So...I suppose I'll move on to what I could see. From what I percepted Sirius was pretty upset, charged at Snape, who in turn raised his wand at Sirius's head, telling him to stop or he'd hex him. Hermione began to attempt reasoning with him, but to no avail, for Severus apparently began screaming at them wih a deranged look on his face. He then whispered to Sirius and they talked half-calmly for a while until Harry began to speak, at which point Severus went back to his insane look---shrieking at them loud enough for me to barely make out the words. A millisecond later he was blasted against the wall, Harry, Ron, and Hermione had disarmed him. Padfoot said something and then stooped down to untie me.  
  
"Thank you, Harry," I mumbled.  
  
"I'm still not saying I believe you," Harry replied, making me turn from trying to ge the dust off my already messed up robes.  
  
"Then it's time we offered you some proof," I said impatiently. "You, boy-- give me Peter please. Now."  
  
Ron looked at me and then at his rat, holding protectively to his chest. "Come off it. Are you trying to say the broke out of Azkaban just to get his hands on Scabbers? I mean...Okay, say Pettigrew could turn into a rat-- there are millions of rats--how's he supposed to know which one he's after if he's locked up in Azkaban?"  
  
I turned to Sirius, a frown coming over my face. "You know, Sirius, that's a fair question. How did you find out where he was?" Sirius reached into his robes, which were even filthier and more tattered than my own, and took out a piece of paper which was balled up. He unfolded it and smoothed in on his leg, then held it out for all of us to see. It was a photo of the Weasley family with "Scabbers" on Ron's shoulder. I held my breath. "How did you get this?"  
  
"Fudge," Sirius replied simply. "When he came to inspect Azkaban last year, he gave me his paper. And there was Peter, on the front page..on this boy's shoulder...I knew him at once.how many times had I seen him transform? And the caption said the boy would be going back to Hogwarts...to where Harry was..."  
  
The whole while he had been talking I was examining Scabbers in the picture and in Ron's hands. I was sure more than ever that we were doing the right thing now. We had to explain to Ron, Harry, and Hermione why it was true, but they didn't quite believe us yet. Instead Harry went on that Sirius had indeed killed James and Lily, saying something along the lines of--  
  
"THAT'S NOT TRUE! HE WAS THEIR SECRET-KEEPER! hE SAID SO BEFORE YOU TURNED UP. HE SAID HE KILLED THEM!" he bellowed, pointing at Sirius once again. Sirius began so shake.  
  
"Harry...I as good as killed them. i persuaded Lily and James to change to Peter at the last moment, persuaded them to use him as Secret-Keeper instead of me...I'm to blame, I know it. The night they died, I'd arranged to check on Pete, make sure he was still safe, but when I arrived at his hiding place, he'd gone. Yet there was no sign of a struggle. It didn't feel right. I was scared. I set out for your parents' house straight away. And when I saw their house, destroyed, and their bodies...I realized what Peter must've done...what I'd done..." Sirius stopped and turned away, I could see a tear flow down his sunken face and that pretty much did it for me.  
  
"Enough of this, there's one certain was to prove what really happened. Ron, give me that rat."  
  
"What are you going to do if I give him to you?" Ron asked me, looking down at Wormtail and then back at me uncertainly.  
  
"Force him to show himself. If he really is a rat, it wont hurt him," I replied, a bit softer this time. Ron hesitated for a minute or two, then held out "Scabbers" and I took him rather hastily as the rat squeaked madly. "Ready, Sirius?" I asked as he grabbed Snape's wand and crept up to me.  
  
"Together?"  
  
"I think so...On the count of three. One--two--THREE!" We performed the spell and he flew into the air, writhing and twisting around, and then he fell to the ground. A flash of light and the he slowly transformed into that disgusting little maggot better known as Peter Pettigrew. He was around 5'5, balding with thin, white hair around his crown, grubby skin that was a bit stretchy--since obviously he had lost a lot of weight, his barely colored pale blue eyes watering as he looked around at all of us, breathing quickly as if he had--oh, yeah, he did have asthma.  
  
"Well, hello, Peter. Long time, no see," I said, smiling pleasantly, although it was fake.  
  
"S-Sirius...R-Remus..." he stuttered, not a change in his voice from last I heard him, although it was a little less self-confident. I couldn't help noticing his eyes following the floorboards to the doors and windows and then back to us as he wrung his hands. "My friends...my old friends..."  
  
Sirius's hand went immediately up, but I saw it and grabbed his wrist, looked at him as if to say 'Just hold on...' and then turned back to Peter. "We've been having a little chat, Peter, about what happened the night Lily and James died. You might have missed the finer points while you were around down there squeaking on the bed--"  
  
"Remus! You don't believe him, do you...? He tried to kill me, Remus..." Wormtail exclaimed weakly, making me wonder how he could be so "innocent" if he already knows that Sirius would tell me that he's the one....How interesting, Peter! You're digging your own grave!  
  
"So we've heard," I replied bitterly. "I'd like to clear up one or two little matters with you, Peter, if you'd be so--"  
  
"He's come to try and kill me again!" he shouted shrilly, pointing at Sirius...everyone does that, huh? "He killed Lily and James and now he's going to kill me too...You've got to help me, Remus..."  
  
We continued on like this for quite a while---I don't quite need to write it, since it was mostly Peter telling us how Sirius is out to kill him and we justified the imbecility of that comment, tried to tell Harry the truth. It was only when Sirius came upon the topic of how he escaped that we reached the point where Harry accepted it.  
  
"Believe me," half-whimpered Padfoot. "Believe me, Harry. I never betrayed Lily and James. I would have died before I betrayed them." Harry hesitated and looked hard at Sirius for a while, then slowly, he nodded.  
  
"No!!!" Peter screeched. He crumpled to hisknees and began to dry-sob. He perked up from his pathetic state as if an idea struck him, and scuttled on his knees over to Sirius. 'Sirius--it's me...it's Peter...your friend..you wouldn't..." Sirius cut him short by kicking out and sending Peter back from him, still grovelling.  
  
"There's enough filth on my robes without you touching them," he snarled.  
  
"Remus!" he squeaked, turning to me and looking straight into my eyes with his small yet bulging pale ones. "You don't believe this...wouldn't Sirius have told you they'd changed the plan?"  
  
"Not if he thought I was the spy, Peter. I assume that's why you didn't tell me, Sirius?" I asked lightly over Peter.  
  
"Forgive me, Remus."  
  
"Not at all, Padfoot, old friend," I smiled, rolling up my sleeves. "And will you, in turn, forgive me for believing you were the spy?"  
  
"Of course," Sirius said, grinning a bit, rolling up his sleeves as well. "Shall we kill him together?"  
  
Oh dear...I am running out of paper--Long story short, Peter attempted to "reason" with all of us, and when he'd found out that there was no hope, we raised our wand to kill him--Sirius and I--but Harry stopped us...We agreed, because it was not our choice-but Harry's. We brgan to walk up to the castle and....I turned into a werewolf. Sirius was able to avert me from the students but...Peter got away...It's the morning right now....I think I'm going to resign....  
  
Remus 


	11. I resigned

Author's Note: Last chap, I think...I almost cried writing this. Okay, so I DID cry...leave me alone! *blush* Disclaimer: I own nothing. This is ALL J.K. Rowling. I have no credit for this pathetic chapter which makes me cry so much. I am weird. Bye!  
  
Dear Diary, YEP! Yes, I am DEFINITELY resigning. This morning Severus had the great honor of telling EVERYONE what I was at breakfast. Not just the staff---the students. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I suppose jealousy or something just drove him over the edge and now....everyone knows. It would be impossible, therefore, for me to stay here, Diary. After all, the parents would be outraged that a monster was teaching their students. But I accepted it gracefully, I hope. I didn't lash out at Snape, nor did I even speak with him, and I think he is still very upset with me as well, because he chose not to gloat about how close he came to putting Sirius and I in Azkaban...  
  
Now that I think about it, I am extremely lucky. If Snape had the last word on the subject, I would be in prison right now...I would be in Azkaban, where the dementors prey upon the captives night and day....I'm sure that within a short while I would go completely mad...  
  
Thank god for Sirius's escape. I can't believe how life would be if I kept believing in a lie, if I never saw him again. But now Peter is on the loose, and I'm sure Sirius will do anything and everything to kill him at last. But then what will we do? It would be hard to prove Padfoot's innocence without Wormtail, afterall. So...I guess we have to keep him alive, then. Harry was wise. Bloodlust didn't get to him. I'm very sorry that I shall have to leave him as well.  
  
Today, as I was packing to leave, he came into my office for the last time. I was looking at the map when he arrived, the little black dot labelled Harry Potter.  
  
"I saw you coming," I told him meekly, quietly, cheerfully. I pointed to the map and he understood.  
  
"I just saw Hagrid. And he said you'd resigned..." Harry was silent for a moment as I stopped forcing my books into my briefcase. "It's not true, is it?"  
  
"I'm afraid it is." I pulled the drawers open and began emptying them.  
  
"Why? The Ministry of Magic don't think you were helping Sirius, do they?" I immediately looked up and realized the door was open. Quickly closing it, I explained.  
  
"No. Professor Dumbledore managed to convince Fudge that I was trying to save your lives..." Sighing, I recalled the morning. "That was the final straw for Severus, I think the loss of the Order of Merlin hit him hard. So he---er--accidentally let slip that I am a werewolf this morning at breakfast."  
  
"You're not leaving because of that!" Harry cried, and I could feel myself smiling.  
  
"This time tomorrow, the owls will start arriving from parents...they will not want a werewolf teaching their childern, Harry. And after last night, I see their point. I could have bitten any of you...That must never happen again," I replied simply.  
  
"You're the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher we've ever had! Don't go!" I was about to say something and then closed my mouth. Bowing my head, I tried to hide the sad smile on my face, and the blush arising in my cheeks. I didn't want to talk about leaving, so I changed the subject.  
  
"From what the headmaster told me this morning, you saved a lot of lives last night, Harry. If I'm proud of anything I've done this year, it's how much you've learned...." I smiled warmly at him and he returned it. "Tell me about your Patronus."  
  
"How'd you know about that?"  
  
"What else could have driven the dementors back?"  
  
"...Well, Hermione and I went back in time, right? When you transformed and Sirius went with you, about a hundred dementors arrived.... I tried to produce a Patronus in the past and I thought I saw my father--and then a great silver stag came out. Later...Later I realised it was just me, that my father wasn't there, but I could still feel it. I could see the stag and I thought of him..."  
  
"Yes, your father always was a stag when he transformed," I told him, beaming. "You guessed right...that's why we called him Prongs." I placed the last few contents into my briefcase and closed it, then turned back to Harry, holding out the Invisibility cloak. "Here--I brought this from the Shrieking Shack last night." I glanced over at the map on the desk, rolled it up, and handed it to him as well. "And...I am no longer your teacher, so I don't feel guilty about giving you back this as well. It's no use to me, and I daresay you, Ron, and Hermione will find uses for it."  
  
Harry took the map and grinned, hesitated, then said," You told me Moony, Wormtai, Padfoot, and Prongs would've wanted to lure me out of school. You said they'd have thought it was funny."  
  
"And so we would have. I have no hesitation in saying that James would have been highly disappointed if his son had never found any of the secret passages out of the castle." A knock came on the door and I saw Harry hastily putting away the cloak and map, but only Dumbledore entered.  
  
"Your carrige is at the gates, Remus,'' he told me.  
  
"Thank you, Headmaster." I would never get used to saying 'Albus', and he knew it. I just smiled and piked up my baggage."Well, good-bye, Harry. It has been a real pleasure teaching you. I feel sure we'll meet again somtime. Headmaster, there is no need to see me to the gates, I can manage."  
  
"Good-bye, then, Remus." We shook hands and I smiled at Harry, giving him a quick nod, and then I left. I felt that maybe Sirius wasn't too far away, and maybe we could start over. Have a life, for once.  
  
It would be a nice change. 


End file.
